


Torn

by Eve1978



Series: Caged/Torn/Fallen [2]
Category: Loki - Fandom, Tom Hiddleston - Fandom
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Eventual Smut, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-30
Updated: 2017-03-05
Packaged: 2018-04-28 23:35:45
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 24
Words: 27,959
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5109629
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Eve1978/pseuds/Eve1978
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Set after the events of Caged. </p><p>Loki is gone but not forgotten by Emma when another man enters her life. Is he the one that will finally give her a new start? And is Loki really gone forever?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

I was standing in a world of books, it was a small but well used space, the walls filled with bookshelves went up to 2 stores high displaying everything from old literature to modern day novels and children’s books. 

In the middle of the shop stood a few sofas and tables where customers could relax and read. The shop looked old and very dated, but for a bookstore that actually worked in its favor. 

It was just me and Beth in the shop on this January morning. Beth was 68 years old and the owner of this London book store, she was a little but feisty old lady and she hired me 9 months ago purely out of pity.  
I walked in here after months of hospitals with nothing but a suitcase and eyes full of desperation. 

She gave me the job and let me stay in the flat above the store, she was now my landlady and my boss, and my friend. 

It’s been a year since the ‘London underground incident’ as people called it.  
It’s been a year since I died and was brought back to life. It’s been a year since I last saw Loki… 

Hearing his name could still make me cry in an instant. People say time heals all wounds. Well, my wounds may have healed on the outside but my scars still hurt like hell. 

I never went back to SHIELD, I never saw Marcus again.  
I couldn’t go back to that life, if I was ever to move on I needed something completely different. 

And Beth helped me find that, I enjoyed my work in the bookstore, working with her and living in the cosy flat above the store suited me perfectly. 

But sometimes the streets of London still reminded me of him, I could still feel him wandering this city right beside me, holding my hand and making me melt with his sad green eyes. 

'Emma?’ I woke up from my daydream and Beth noticed my teary eyes.  
'Is it a book or a man that makes you cry?’ she asked with a little sympathetic smile. 

I dried my eyes and smiled back at her.  
'It was the man this time,’ I answered,’ but I’m okay now, you want me to put these away?’  
I took the books from her fragile arms and she raised one eyebrow. 

'It’s been a year now, honey,’ she said,’ you need to allow yourself to be happy again.’  
Yes, she knows all about Loki. She had been a free therapist in my first months here, we spend a lot of quiet afternoons and evenings on the sofa where she told me about her life and I told her about Loki.  
She often made me laugh, I often made her cry. 

'I’m not there yet,’ I said softly. 

She put her hand on my arm and gave me a warm smile.  
'It will happen,’ she tried to reassure me,’ it’s a new year, I predict good things for you, why don’t you put those books in its place and clean the counter, it’s almost time to close.’  
‘Alright,’ I gave her a smile but it was gone from my face as soon as I turned my back to her.

Good things…I really wanted to believe her. 

I was putting away the last books on the counter and was getting ready to close the door when I saw there was still one customer strolling through the shelves.  
I also noticed she was looking at me more than she was looking at the books.

The woman had long black hair held together in a tight ponytail, she was wearing glasses, a long grey coat and high heeled black boots. She looked like a real career woman and not our usual clientele. 

I sighed, the shop closed in 5 minutes, I was going to have to go talk to her. I liked the job but I still wasn’t entirely comfortable with the social aspect of it. 

I walked up to her.  
'Excuse me? I’m sorry but we close in 5 minutes, can I help you with something?' 

The lady stared at me for a while.  
'I’m sorry,’ she smiled and reached out her hand to me,’ I’m Stacey.’ 

I shook her hand but didn’t say my name, I wasn’t used to introducing myself to the customers.  
'I’m sorry,’ she said again,’ you are Emma Stiles yes?' 

Oh please tell me she’s not another one…I thought I had seen the last of this months ago, when I first got out of the hospital there were a lot of reporters coming by wanting to hear my side of the story. 

I never agreed to an interview, not necessarily because I didn’t want to tell my story to the rest of the world but because it was too painful to relive it over and over again. 

'I’m sorry,’ I said quickly before she could say anything else,’ I have no interest in any interviews.’ 

'Oh I’m not a reporter,’ she answered,’ I’m an executive assistant for a film producer.’  
She gave me a business card.  
'I’m sorry to bother you at work,’ she then continued,’ would you mind giving me 15 minutes of your time? We could have a coffee just around the corner, my treat.' 

I was ready to say no but she was smiling at me again.  
'Please, my boss will kill me if I haven’t at least talked to you,’ she pleaded,’ just have a coffee and hear me out, if you say no then I’ll leave right away.’ 

'I’ll give you 10 minutes.' 

***

We sat at a table in the nearest Starbucks a little later, it was a busy Monday night and the room was filled with people swiping and clicking away on their I-phones or laptops. 

'Okay,’ Stacey put down her cup of coffee and gave me an enthusiastic smile,’ I work for a film company that just signed the biggest deal of the year, it’s all very on the down low for now but in one month we will start filming in London.’ 

If she didn’t get to the point soon I was about to lose the little interest I had in this conversation. 

'It’s a movie about Thor,’ she continued,’ and also about Loki.’ 

I was almost out of my chair when she grabbed my hand. 

'Please, Emma, hear me out,’ she begged,’ please…’

I sat back down but in my mind I was already halfway out the door. 

'What do you want from me?’ I asked.  
'There is no one out there that knows Loki like you do,’ she spoke softly now,’ it would really help us in creating a believable character if you could come on as a consultant…’  
'A consultant?!' 

'You could really help us to see the character behind the name,’ she explained,’ the man behind the villain, show us a glimpse of how he really is …' 

This time I got out of my chair. 

'The man that he really is,’ I shook my head in disbelief,’ the man that he really is, is a villain who killed hundreds of people and doesn’t feel remorse for even one of them. He would snap your neck in a second without blinking. I have nothing to say that isn’t already in the files but I’m sure Shield isn’t giving up anything so you come to me? I am not interested, tell your boss that, not now, not ever!' 

I stormed out and didn’t look back at her once. 

By the time I got back to my apartment the tears were streaming down my face. I shut the door behind me with a loud bang and rushed to the bathroom. 

I grabbed a couple of pills from the medicine cabinet, took them with a glass of water and closed my eyes to try and calm myself down.

Would I never be able to get away from this? A fucking movie? If this was successful I would be confronted with it everywhere, again! 

I tried to push the headache away and let myself fall onto my bed. The pills did their work and soon I was in a deep sleep.


	2. Chapter 2

I was having breakfast on the sofa in the shop the next morning, when Beth came in. 

‘Good morning, dear,’ she smiled.   
'Good morning, Beth,’ I smiled back at her but she could always tell when I was faking. 

I offered her a croissant and she sat next to me on the couch. 

'Are you alright?’ she asked worried.   
'I had a bit of a rough night,’ I answered honestly,’ I’m sorry, you must be tired of hearing this.’ 

'Oh honey,’ all she did was give me a comforting smile,’ I’ve been alone here since Vincent died 10 years ago, I could not be happier to have you here, you are my ray of sunshine no matter how much you complain sometimes.’ 

Vincent was her husband who died of cancer, they never had children and though I knew she had some family left somewhere I never heard her talk about seeing any of them.   
This time I returned her smile with a genuine one of my own when I realized this little old lady was my rock, the only thing that had kept me alive for the past 9 months and I owed her everything. 

'I’ll tell you what,’ she said,’ we’ll close up early this afternoon and go out for lunch at PJ’s and then we’ll take a stroll around Covent Garden, how does that sound?' 

'That sounds perfect,’ I dried my eyes and we both stood up to start the day.

***

For a few days everything went back to normal and I actually started to feel better, this was my usual routine. Some days I was okay with my life and managed to enjoy the little things but it never lasted very long. The downs were a lot harder to take. 

Most days the pain was still too much and it felt like everything was pointless. I would have given anything I had to just see him again, just once, even if it was only for a minute. 

I had blocked my meeting with Stacey out of my head and hadn’t given it any more thought. 

That afternoon I was putting books back in order at the back of the shop when a man came in. I immediately noticed he was looking around the shop like he was lost. He was strolling towards the counter and waited to see if someone would come out to help him. 

I was waiting for Beth to go up to him but she was reading in the sofa and made no attempts to get up. 

'Damned,' I sighed.

I really didn’t feel like talking to anyone besides Beth today and after Stacey the last thing I felt like was being social again but it looked like I'd have no other choice, I couldn't just leave him standing there.   
I climbed off the ladder and headed to the counter, taking a better look at him while I walked closer. 

He was very tall and was wearing a dark jeans and a long black coat, he had short reddish blond hair. When he turned around I could see a little bit of stubble on his face. 

'Good morning, can I help you with something?’ I tried to sound friendly and not act like I couldn’t wait for him to leave.

He turned to me and gave me such a warm kind smile it made my own smile look completely fake and I felt a little guilty. 

'Hi, if you would be so kind, I don’t really have a clue where to start looking I’m afraid.’   
His voice was very deep and the accent very British. 

'What are you looking for?’ I asked him.   
'It’s a bit of a strange request, I’m looking for books on Norse mythology, especially Odin, Thor and Loki.' 

My heart stopped.

Is this guy kidding me?! 

I stared at his face but he looked more surprised than I did at my reaction, there wasn’t a hint of mischief in his innocent blue eyes. 

'Are you alright?’ he asked. I could have sworn there was genuine concern in his voice.   
'I’m sorry…’ I stuttered,’ um…I’m not sure we have those.’ 

'Could you check?’ he asked,’ Please? This is the fourth bookstore I’ve tried and I’m starting to lose hope.' 

He gave me the charming smile again. I walked over to the computer and tried a search but much to my relief there were no results. 

'I’m sorry, we have nothing on that subject,’ I said and I could see the disappointment in his eyes,’ but you should check out the library at the end of the street here, I think you’ll have more luck there.' 

I wrote down the address and handed it to him. 

'Thank you so much,’ he covered my hand with both his hands and held them for a few seconds to show his gratitude.  
He was genuinely nice but it made me feel uncomfortable, I still didn’t like people touching me. 

'You’ve really helped me,’ he said,’ can I ask for one more thing?’ 

I just wanted him to leave already but apparently I looked like an information desk to him.   
‘Of course’ I said with a little sigh. 

'Do you know any good hotels nearby?’ he asked,’ my new flat isn’t free untill next week and I really need a place to stay.’ 

I wrote him down a few of the closest and not too expensive hotels.   
'Are you new in town?’ I asked. 

I had no idea why I was making small talk with this guy all of a sudden.   
Shut up Emma, do not encourage him.

'Yes, only for a couple of months though,’ he explained,’ I have a job nearby, I’m just doing some research for a script.' 

I nodded, there were a lot of theatres and musicals nearby so I never even questioned it.

'Please tell me they aren’t planning on making a musical about Thor?’ I joked. 

He laughed so genuinely that I couldn’t help but smile too.   
'No thank God, no,’ he then said,’ it’s a movie actually.' 

My heart stopped again.

'Thank you so much for your help,’ he was heading towards the door and waved goodbye. 

I had to lean on the counter to keep my balance.   
There was no such thing as that many coincidences, first Stacey and now him, did he really not know who I was?   
He looked like he had absolutely no idea. 

I put away the last books and turned off the lights at the back of the shop but however much I tried I couldn’t get him out of my head for the rest of the afternoon.

Who was he? A director? A writer? He looked like he could be a writer. 

Beth was done reading and came to the counter.   
'That was quite a handsome young man,’ she said.   
'Was it?’ I asked,’ I guess he wasn’t bad looking.’ 

'Oh Emma, for God’s sake,’ she shook her head in disbelief,’ I know your heart is broken but I’m sure your eyesight is still fine, dear.’ 

'I guess he was kind of handsome,’ I admitted in a smile while I put up the Closed sign on the door and stared outside at the crowded street full of people rushing home after work. 

I leaned my head against the glass of the door and closed my eyes for a moment.   
He may be handsome but he was no Loki…


	3. Chapter 3

‘Hello Emma, this is Stacey, I’m really sorry I upset you the other day. I should have handled the situation with more care, I completely understand you wanted nothing to do with me and the movie. I just wouldn’t forgive myself if I didn’t at least try and persuade you. We could really use your help. We wouldn’t take up too much of your time and we’d pay you generously for your efforts. Please, please reconsider…' 

I deleted the message from my answering machine and put on a sweater before heading downstairs to the shop. 

She was persistent, I had to admire that, but my feelings hadn’t changed, there was still no way I would do it. Even if a part of me wanted to help her there was no way I could put myself through all that again. I had tried so hard to leave it all in the past and forget.

I opened the shop and put on the lights, and I almost jumped when I saw Beth sitting in the sofa. 

'Holy…you scared the shit out of me! Why are you here so early?’

As I walked up to her I could see her eyes were teary.   
'Beth?’ I sat down next to her,’ are you alright?’   
'Oh, I’m sorry, dear,’ she muffled away her tears,’ it’s nothing.’ 

'Tell me what it is right now,’ I insisted. 

If I had learned one thing about her in the past months it was that Beth wasn’t like me. She didn’t cry easily so on the few occasions that she did, I knew there was something really wrong. 

‘Honey, I don’t want to burden you with the troubles of an old lady,’ she waved away my concern,’ you have enough to worry about.’  
‘Exactly, I could use something to take my mind of my own troubles, come on, spill.’ I gave her a little smile, encouraging her to open up to me the way she usually did without hesitation.

'It’s the shop,’ she admitted with a sad voice,’ we haven’t made any profit in the past five months, and I just received word that the heating needs to be fixed, I just…I can barely afford to pay you but I also can’t do it alone anymore.’ 

'I’ll work for less money,’ I said immediatly.   
'No, honey, I couldn’t accept that,’ she shook her head firmly and looked at me,’ I can hang by here for a few more years and retire but you’re too young to throw your life away. If we just had a little bit of extra money…’ 

I let out a deep sigh. I felt like I was in a bad movie where the lead character gets an offer she really doesn’t want to accept but then something bad happens that leaves her with no choice but to accept it. 

Whoever was writing the script to my life had a big feel for drama and it was starting to piss me off. 

'What if I get a second job?’ I then said,’ and help pay for all the repairs? And you raise my rent a little? Will the shop be saved then?’   
'I couldn’t ask that from you, Emma!’ she put her hand on her heart, shocked at my suggestion. 

'Will it be saved?’ I asked again.   
'I suppose so,’ Beth admitted.   
'Then it’s settled.’ 

Beth opened up her mouth to speak but I raised my hand and she stopped.   
'It’s settled and I won’t hear another word. When I came to you I had nothing and you helped me out of the kindness of your heart, let me help you now.’

She just nodded and smiled a relieved smile. 

I would find out later how sneaky old ladies can be. The shop was making more than enough profit and there was no need for any repairs at all. When Beth walked up to the stairs of my apartment that morning she overheard the message on my answering machine and was convinced that this was what I needed to do to finally leave the whole Loki thing behind me. Confront it one last time so I could put it behind me instead of carrying it with me every single day.  
Determined to make that happen the fragile little lady gave the best acting performance of her life on the couch in that book store. 

***

That afternoon I had arranged to meet Stacey, who was over the moon when I called her back.   
I agreed to meet her in the bar at her hotel, she was already waiting for me when I arrived. 

'Emma!’ she stood up as soon as she saw me and shook my hand in an overly enthusiastic manner,’ I can’t tell you how happy I am you are on board.’ 

We sat down and she handed me a bunch of papers.   
'This is only part of the script,’ she explained,’ mostly the Loki part, if you feel up to it we would love for you to read it. It is in no way based on the attack in New York, this script is pure fiction, we don’t want you to relive all that, that would be cruel.’

I gave her a weak little smile, as if this whole thing wasn’t cruel enough.

‘All we want is some insight on the man behind the monster,’ she continued as I accepted the papers and avoided looking her in the eyes. 

To my surprise she stood up,’ I’ll just give you some time alone with these, I’ll be at the bar if you need me.’ 

I took a few minutes and tried to calm my breathing before I started to read. The story was actually pretty good, it focused more on Thor than on Loki but just from reading I could tell his role could leave an impression on the audience, especially if they found a good talented actor to play him. 

The script portrayed him as an evil villain with no humanity at all, which made it easier for me to read. This character did not resemble my Loki in any way. 

I got startled when I saw someone standing beside my table, when I looked up I was met with a kind smile that looked vaguely familiar.

'Hi, you’re the girl from the bookstore, right?’

It was the persistent tall guy with the British accent and the handsome face.

'Oh…hi,’ I said,’ was this hotel on the list I gave you?' 

'Yeah…no, actually it wasn’t,’ he admitted and he looked a bit embarrased for not following my advice,’ my agent arranged this for me. But thank you again for helping me.' 

His embarrasment was endearing and I couldn’t help but smile, his eyes looked down to the script in my hand.   
'Are you involved in the movie too?’ he asked surprised.   
'Sort of,’ I said,’ I’m Emma…Emma Stiles.’ 

I waited for a few seconds while I studied his face, waiting for him to put the pieces together. And there it was, the realisation that he had heard my name before and he suddenly knew who I was.

'Oh my God!’ he looked genuinely shocked,’ You are Emma?’  
I nodded my head.  
‘I am so sorry, you must have thought I was so rude the other day!’   
'It’s allright,’ I reassured him,’ you looked like you had no idea who I was.’ 

'I really didn’t, please believe me,’ he pleaded,’ I would never put you in an uncomfortable position like that had I known.’  
‘It’s okay,’ I repeated.

‘Will you forgive me?’ he asked and he sat down at my table, looking into my eyes while he waited for my answer. 

'I believe you,’ I said,’ so how are you involved in the movie? Did you write this script?’   
'No, I wish I did,’ he said with a smile,’ I’m Tom, Tom Hiddleston, I’m one of the actors…I…um…I play Loki…' 

The papers slipped through my hands as I stared at him in shock.


	4. Chapter 4

I was putting a stack of books in order in the back of the shop the next day, trying to keep my mind focussed on the work, which was a challenge after what happened the night before.

After hearing Tom would be the one to play Loki I rushed out of the hotel last night without saying another word to him or Stacey.   
I didn’t know who was in charge of the casting for the movie but I was convinced they needed to be fired.   
There was no way that polite blond British guy could play Loki, he couldn’t have been more different. The initial doubts I’ve had about being involved in this thing had made their way to the surface again. If only we didn’t need the money…

I looked up to see Beth coming towards me. 

‘I know you’re in a bad mood, dear, but could you not molest the books for that?’ she asked,’ they have done nothing wrong to you.’  
I hadn’t noticed I was slamming the books into the shelves pretty hard. 

'I’m sorry’ I said softly.   
'There’s someone here to see you,’ she then said and she leaned closer and whispered,’ It’s the handsome man.' 

I had expected Stacey to come see me but not Tom. 

He smiled when I approached him,’ Hello, Tom, did Stacey send you?' 

'No, I hope you don’t mind I wanted to come see you myself after last night.’

'I’m sorry I rushed out like that, it’s just all a bit much,’ I confessed.   
'I can only imagine,’ he looked at me with such genuine concern on his face it shook me a little bit,’ The last thing I wanted to do was upset you, Emma.’   
The sad look in his eyes took away the last of my hesitation, I believed him.

'It’s really not your fault,’ I said,’ I just get emotional very easily when it comes to Loki.’ 

I hadn’t meant to be this honest with him but his kind nature had a way of bringing that out in me. 

'Listen, I’ve been thinking,’ he then said,’ we start filming next week, the crew is giving a party tomorrow night at the studios nearby, sort of an introduction and a way for everyone to get to know each other in a relaxed environment, why don’t you come?’   
'Oh no, I don’t do parties,’ I answered quickly. 

'It would be a good way to meet everyone and get a feel of the studio,’ he tried to convince me,’ and it might help you to feel more comfortable on set.' 

He was really convincing when he wanted something and the nervous hopeful look on his face made it hard for me to refuse.

'I’m really not good with groups of people I don’t know,’ I hesitated. 

Or with people… 

'I’ll stay close to you,’ he said with a little reassuring smile. The way he looked into my eyes while he said it made me blush for a minute. 

'I don’t know, Tom.’   
'This is the address,’ he wrote it down on one of our business cards and handed it to me while he looked into my eyes again,’ the party starts at nine, I’ll wait for you in front for fifteen minutes, if you’re not there I’ll just go in by myself and we’ll never speak of it again, no hard feelings, okay?’ 

'I just don’t think I can, Tom.’ I could hear the fear in my own voice and bit my lip.  
'Emma, you’re stronger than you think,’ he spoke softly,’ I really hope to see you there.’   
He gave me a little smile and waved at Beth before leaving the shop. 

I could see Beth coming from behind the book shelves with a huge smile on her face.   
'Don’t even!’ I warned her.   
'Oh, don’t you start with me, young lady!’ she said,’ You are going!’   
'No I’m not!’   
'Oh yes you are, do you think men like that just fall from the sky?!’ she insisted,’ You will accept his invitation, I’ll kick your ass there myself if I have to!' 

I couldn’t help but smile a little bit at her determination. She was loving this. 

‘But…Beth,’ I let out a long sigh.  
‘I will not hear any excuses, you are going and that’s final!’

***

I was standing in my bedroom the next night, looking at the girl in the mirror in front of me, something I usually tried to avoid. 

Her pale face was skinnier than I remembered, her dark eyes looked sad and her lips seem to have forgotten how to smile without making it look fake. I pulled my long blond hair into a knot and put on some make up, at least I looked a little more alive now but it was still far from how I wanted to look.

I still did not want to go but Beth would never let me stay home, the old lady could be stubborn as hell if she wanted to.  
I put on my long black dress, the only dress I had, and put on my black boots and took another look into the mirror. 

Beth entered the room and I could see her face light up.   
'Oh honey, you look lovely!’ she gasped.   
'Thank you,’ I smiled,’ but you’re biased… and I still don’t feel like going.’ 

'Your cab is waiting’ she smiled and I could see her eyes twinkling, she was enjoying this so much you’d believe she was the one going out tonight.  
'Alright,’ I took one last deep breath,’ here goes nothing…' 

It sounds really silly after all I’ve been through but walking up those steps to the party was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.   
I thought about turning back with every step and my heart was racing but I kept going. 

There were lots of little lights in the big hall and a big fountain, I could see a large corridor on my left that lead to the party and I could hear the base from the music coming through.

Thoughts of turning back around popped into my head again but then I saw him standing by the fountain. He was wearing a black suit and that cute smile again, I walked up to him. 

'So did she push you into the cab herself?’ he joked.   
'Pretty much,’ I smiled. 

'You look really lovely,’ he leaned in to plant a soft kiss on my cheek. 

'Are you ready to go in?’ he asked.   
'Not at all,’ I said with a weak smile.   
'You’ll be fine.' 

We started walking and somewhere in the middle of the corridor he carefully took my hand.  
Somehow it no longer felt uncomfortable when he touched me, he rubbed my hand softly with his thumb and it actually calmed me down. 

I felt part of my nerves leave my body and let out a little sigh of relief. He noticed it and smiled. 

The next hour was still a bit of a struggle though, Tom introduced me to more people than I could remember, I really had to work on my fake smile, my entire face was hurting after a while. 

But he stayed close to me at all times, like he promised. I forgot most of the people I met apart from Chris, the Australian actor who would play Thor.   
I had never met the real Thor but this guy looked exactly like I always imagined him, very bulky and very blond.   
I guess I had to take back my opinion about the casting after all because this guy was perfect. Chris was really nice and him and Tom seemed to really get along well. 

In fact throughout the night I had noticed Tom seemed to get along really well with everybody, he was charming and funny and just genuinely kind and open to everyone. I wasn’t used to men like him, I couldn’t even recall ever meeting a man quite like him.

After a few hours of small talk and mingling I had to get out of the crowd for a while, Tom let me go and I found a place to sit by the fountain for a few minutes.   
It was nice not having to talk to someone for a little while and just being able to sit by myself. I smiled when I saw a little dance party starting right in front of me in the hallway.

After another 10 minutes Tom came to sit beside me.   
'Do you want to be alone?’ he asked carefully,’ it’s okay if you do, I understand.’

'No please sit.’   
'So is it as bad as you expected?’ he asked.   
'It’s actually quite nice,’ I admitted with a smile,’ thank you for taking me… I haven’t been to a party in a long time.’   
'Why not?’ he asked surprised. 

'I just…haven’t had a lot of reasons to party,’ I confessed. 

He looked at me and nodded.   
'I know what you’ve been through, Emma,’ he said and the sympathy in his voice almost brought tears to my eyes,’ I can’t even begin to imagine how hard that must have been, and still must be. But please don’t let it ruin the rest of your life, we all deserve happiness, you can’t let a dark time overtake your chance at a happy life.’   
I shook my head. 

'It’s just easier that way,’ I said. 

He took my hand and sat closer to me, forcing me to look him in the eyes.   
He really had the most beautiful blue eyes I’d ever seen, there was so much kindness and honesty in there, I could feel my heart melt a little bit when he kept staring at me.

'It’s fine, Tom,’ I then said,’ I just don’t do happy. Happy never lasts, and when it’s gone you’re always worse off then before.’ 

'But at least you’ve experienced happy for a while then,’ he said,’ is that not better than never having it at all?' 

I shook my head and smiled.   
'How do you find something positive in everything?’ I asked him.   
'We only have one life on this earth, Em. Why would we not enjoy every moment of it? Nothing will ever be perfect or exactly the way you want it to be, but there are those moments when…it just is. Don’t let them pass you by because you’re afraid of getting hurt again.' 

His eyes held mine and I knew exactly what he meant, I could feel it right there staring into those blue eyes…a perfect moment.

He took my hand again,’ Dance with me.’ 

'Oh, no no, I don’t dance,’ I protested.   
'Why on earth would you not dance?’ he pretended to be shocked and smiled again while he took my other hand and pulled me up. 

I could see a more serious look on his face now.   
'This moment, Emma,’ he spoke softly,’ it’s never coming again, and it will be gone soon, do you want to lose it or do you want to come dance with me?’ 

He let go of my hands and walked into the dancing crowd. When he started to move I could see several eyes going to him, especially female eyes. He moved like the dance floor was his to take over and he loved every second of it.   
I couldn’t help but stare, he moved so incredibly smooth and careless and sexy. 

Uh-oh…

What are you even thinking Emma?! Please tell me it’s just the wine, and the music and the lights and the moment and his gorgeous eyes.  
Please tell me I’m not really starting to fall for him. 

But it was too late to back away, he rushed off the dance floor for a second to pull me with him. We danced and I got lost in the music, the lights, his eyes, his smile, his hands, his hips. 

We both laughed and he kept me close by taking my hand every time I moved away from him a bit, his eyes were mesmerizing, keeping me right there in the moment with him. 

I forgot the world around us, all I could see and feel was him, I hadn’t gotten this lost in someone since…since…

Since Loki.

And all of a sudden it was gone, with that single thought the entire moment just collapsed and everything changed.

'No, no this is all wrong! I’m sorry, Tom, I can’t do this,’ I pushed his hand away and stormed off the dance floor without looking back.

I could hear him yelling my name and coming after me but I disappeared into a cab before he could catch me.


	5. Chapter 5

Beth was alone in the shop the next morning when Tom came in. 

‘Good morning, Beth,’ he smiled.   
'Hello, Tom,’ she answered his smile with a dashing one of her own. 

'Is Emma here?’   
'She’s upstairs,’ Beth said while she walked closer to him.  
'Can I see her?' 

Beth looked at him and noticed the worried look and the sadness in his eyes, she had already assumed something went wrong last night when Emma was so evasive that morning.   
'You can go right up,’ Beth said,’ but let me just ask you…are you sure you want to go up there?’

The surprised look on his face made her smile.

‘I’ll be very frank with you, Tom’ she then continued,’ Emma is very special to me, she is one of the best women you’ll ever meet, but she’s also very troubled and difficult to handle sometimes. If you don’t want that in your life…if you’re not all in you would be doing us all a favour to just leave right now, she doesn’t need another loss.' 

Tom nodded his head but looked her in the eyes.   
'I’m all in,’ he said with a serious face. 

Beth smiled,’ I was hoping you would say that, go right up then.’

He gave her a hug before heading up the stairs. 

***

I was standing in front of the mirror again that morning, I kept seeing flashes of the night before, mostly Tom. I realized my running away from him last night may have been an overreaction.

Part of me had wanted to stay close to him and dance the night away, but the other part, the part that still loved Loki, that part was kicking me in the butt. 

I straightened my hair and put on a top and my blue jeans when there was a knock on the door. 

'I’ll be right there, Beth!’ I yelled as I put on my boots.

I hopped towards the door while closing the zipper of my boots and I almost fell in his lap when I opened the door.   
My hair was hanging all over my face and I was suddenly very aware of the small top I was wearing. I could have sworn Tom was looking me up and down before recovering and giving me his charming polite smile again. 

'Hello there,’ he said with that deep voice and adorable accent.   
'Um…Hi.' 

Find your words, Emma. 

‘Are you alright?’ he asked.  
'Yes, I’m…I’m sorry for walking out on you last night…again.’  
'It is becoming a thing with us, isn’t it’ he stated. 

Us? There was an us now? 

‘I’m sorry,’ I repeated,’ it really had nothing to do with you, you were very kind and very charming and I had a great time.’  
'It’s alright, you don’t have to apologize to me, Emma,’ he smiled,’ but you can make it up to me. Let me take you out for lunch this afternoon.’   
He could see the hesitation on my face.   
'Just us two,’ he continued,’ no crowds and no distractions.’ 

I smiled. You would be the biggest distraction out there you moron. 

'Okay,’ I said,’ I promise I won’t run out on you this time.' 

The smile on his face was one of relief and he nodded his head.

***

I really intended on keeping that promise when I made it that morning but when I was walking to Regent’s Park later that day I wasn’t so sure anymore. 

I found Tom sitting on a bench, he had a bunch of papers in his hand, I assumed the script from the movie. He was reading aloud and full of emotion. I had to stifle a laugh when I saw an old lady back away from him and roll her eyes. 

'You’re scaring the locals,’ I said as I walked up to him.   
'Oh shit, Emma, don’t do that!’ he smiled as he almost jumped from the bench. I took a seat next to him and watched his blue eyes stare back at me.  
His gaze was so intense I had to hide in my scarf so he wouldn’t notice I was blushing again. 

'Are you cold?’ he asked.   
'I’ve been warmer,’ I confessed, that was a bad move because the next thing I knew he was putting away the script and taking my cold hands into his.

He brought them up to his face and breathed his warm breath onto my fingers, I could feel his lips brush the skin of my hand in the process and I shivered even more, not from the cold this time.

He was warming up a lot more than just my hands.

'Let’s get you inside,’ he then said. 

Tom took me to a small and cozy Italian restaurant just outside of the park. It was very warm, very red and filled with candles. 

We ordered wine and pizza, I enjoyed the pizza but was more in need of the wine as my nerves were killing me at that point.  
Tom turned out to incredibly sweet and funny and also a bit of a dork, which might even be what I loved most about him. 

Did I say loved? I meant liked obviously. Maybe it was time for me to lay off the wine. I could feel myself being drawn to him a little bit more with every sip.

He was very tactful in not mentioning anything about the movie, Thor or Loki. Instead he talked about his previous acting jobs, places he traveled to, we talked about our favourite movies and tv shows. Nothing really serious and that was exactly what I needed. 

By the end of our lunch I was more relaxed but also in need of fresh air, the wine in combination with the warmth and Tom’s eyes and smile were making me melt. 

I was relieved to be out in the cold again.   
'Shall I walk you back to the shop?’ he suggested.   
'Don’t you have some more lines to learn?’ I said.   
'Yeah I do,’ he admitted,’ but walking you home sounds like so much more fun.’ He smiled at me again and I could see a little twinkle in his eyes that lit up his entire face.

Oh please stop being so adorable.

Determined not to let him win me over that easily I avoided looking him in the eyes and stepped back from him a bit. 

'Thank you for lunch,’ I said as I backed away,’ I’ll see you later, Tom.’ 

He looked at me with a hint of disappointment on his face. 

'Hey, at least I’m not running from you this time,’ I smiled as I waved him goodbye and disappeared around the corner.


	6. Chapter 6

I was counting the money in the till the next day when Beth walked in. 

‘Good morning, dear,’ she smiled,’ I brought us croissants.’   
'Thank you, Beth.’  
She put the bag on the counter and kept staring at me.  
'What?’ I asked. 

'Nothing, it’s nice to see you smile, that’s all. So you had a nice time with Tom then?’   
‘Now what makes you say that?’  
‘Because you are grinning from ear to ear, love.’

Damned she was right, I had been smiling all morning. His stupid happiness was rubbing off on me, it was disgusting.

’It was nice,’ I sighed but she was shaking her head in disbelief.  
‘Your face tells me it was a lot more than nice.’  
'Alright, I really like him,’ I admitted,’ is that what you’d like to hear?’  
'All I want is for you to be happy, dear, I’ve known you for quite some time now and he seems to be the first one to put a smile that bright on your face.’

I smiled but shook my head, I didn’t want to keep talking about Tom but I couldn’t find another subject to distract her.   
'He seems to like you a lot,’ she then said.   
'Now how would you know that?’ I looked at her and crossed my arms in front of my chest until she answered me. 

'Because he told me,’ she stated as she took a few books and disappeared into the shelves. 

It was out of my control but the stupid grin was back on my face.

'He did not!’ I yelled after her.

***

I had agreed to meet Tom at his hotel that evening to go over the script together. 

He wanted to hear about Loki, I couldn’t keep avoiding it, it’s why they hired me. I was torn, part of me wanted to tell him everything, part of me still wanted to run away and hide. 

I walked straight to the reception and asked for him, I expected we would meet in the bar but the receptionist told me he was waiting for me in his room. 

No no no, this was a bad idea… 

I knocked on his door and fought the urge to turn around but he opened the door before I could give it a second thought.   
'Hey,’ I could hear the nerves in my own voice.   
'Hey, Emma,’ he smiled,’ come in.’ 

His hair was messy and a bit curly and he was wearing a black jeans and a white t-shirt, this was the most casual I had seen him and it didn’t disagree with him.   
The hotel room was quite big, his bed was on the left and on the right was a comfortable big couch and a table.   
'Sit down,’ Tom said,’ can I get you a drink?’ 

No wine, Emma! 

'Yes, anything that doesn’t have alcohol in it,’ I said as I sat down on the couch.

He gave me a coke and sat down next to me, I noticed the script on the table and took the papers in my hand.   
'Is this it?’ I asked. 

Tom took the papers out of my hand and put them back.   
'Just leave those for a bit,’ he said and he put his hands on my legs and turned me towards him. His blue eyes were staring into mine, he had such a soft and serious expression on his face it helped my nerves sink a little bit. 

'Tell me about Loki,’ he asked softly. 

I took a deep breath and nodded my head. 

'Okay,’ I sighed. 

And so I did, I told him everything, starting from the beginning to the bitter end, I didn’t leave anything out. I poured my heart out and to my own surprise I managed to get through it without breaking out in tears. 

Tom listened without interrupting me, he seemed to realize I had to get it out in one go. He had a painful and sad expression on his face and we both sat in silence for some time after I was done. 

'He’s much more than just the monster people make him out to be,’ he then said quietly after a while.   
'He was to me,’ I said and just like that the tears were finally flowing,’ I’m sorry’ 

I tried to dry my eyes and got up from the couch, I needed to walk it off.   
The last thing I wanted was to cry in front of Tom. 

'Emma, please come here,’ he stood up and rushed towards me.   
'No!’ I immediately raised my hand to keep him at bay. 

I did not want him to come any closer, I would break down if he did.   
'Don’t, I’m not going to cry, don’t make me,’ I begged softly. 

He didn’t come closer, instead he took his coat and put it on. He took my coat from the couch and offered it to me. 

'Let’s get out of here,’ he suggested. 

***

He took me to a very crowded bar just across the street from the hotel, loud country music was playing through the speakers. 

'Too much?’ he yelled in my ear. I looked at him and almost saw fear in his eyes that he just made a horrible mistake in bringing me here.   
'It’s perfect’ I smiled, the relief on his face made me smile even more.

And it was perfect, the loud beats of the music suppressed any sad thoughts that were lingering in my head, and Tom’s smile did the rest. 

He took my hand and sat me down in a small booth.   
'I’ll get us some drinks,’ he said,’ still no alcohol?’   
'Oh, I think I’m more than ready for alcohol now.’ 

He nodded his head and disappeared to the bar, I took of my coat and couldn’t help but look at him. I could see a few girls at the bar eyeing him already.

So it wasn’t just me, he had this effect on all women, he seemed to be completely unaware of it, or he acted like he was anyway. I could see the girls eyeing me now with a look of jealousy as he sat down in the booth with me. 

He put down two beers on our table and instead of sitting in front of me at the other end of the table he sat down right beside me. His long legs were touching mine under the small table. It’s a good thing the lights were dimmed cause my face was about as red as our seats. 

'Thank you,’ I whispered and I took a sip of my beer, I hated beer but I didn’t have the heart to tell him that.   
I put down the bottle and felt his eyes on me, he was sitting really close and I looked up into his perfect face and blue eyes. 

It really should be illegal to look that good, I had always been very immune to pretty boys because they were usually assholes or too aware of how pretty they were and where it could get them. But Tom had none of that, underneath the perfect face seemed to be a perfect personality as well, and that combination made him very dangerous. They should lock him up somewhere, far away from the entire female population, and I’m guessing huge part of the male population as well. It would be for our own protection. 

He carefully put a lock of my hair behind my ear and let his other hand rest on the small of my back.   
'Thank you for opening up to me tonight,’ he then spoke softly. 

'Thank you for listening, and for not judging me.’   
'Judging you?’ he looked surprised,’ you’re the bravest girl I know, you risked everything for the man you loved…if a girl did that for me I’d never…' 

He didn’t finish his sentence and looked away for a minute. When he licked his lip his eyes met mine again in a serious look.

His hand was stroking my back and he leaned in closer to rest his forehead against mine. I pulled his shirt to get him even closer. My heart was about to jump out of my chest and then he leaned forward and kissed me. 

As soon as his lips touched mine I realized how much I had wanted this kiss and how much I had wanted him. His mouth was warm, his kiss slow and sensual but also demanding and I melted in his arms.

We both came up for air after a few minutes, he was breathing heavily and he backed away a little bit.   
'Tom,’ I noticed my breathing was far from normal too,’ are you sure this is what you want? That I am what you want?’   
'I’ve never been more sure of anything, Emma,’ he whispered and he leaned his head against mine again. 

'I’m all messed up,’ I said softly.   
'No kidding,’ he had the biggest smile on his face which made me smile too.

'But you’re what I want, Emma,’ he said, without laughing this time,’ do you feel the same way? Do you want me?' 

I have never wanted anything as much as I want you.

'I want you…,’ I answered,’ I just…’   
'Then that’s all that matters,’ he said and he cupped my face between his hands and kissed me again. 

I didn’t have any more arguments left, I caved and kissed him back. 

Saying goodbye to him that night was a true challenge. We held hands as we walked away from the bar. I stopped to hug him after a while.

'Emma,’ he spoke softly,’ is this your way of saying goodbye to me?’   
I gave him a guilty smile and broke the hug.

I didn’t want to say goodbye to him, God knows I didn’t want to. And his hotel was right there, with his big warm bed, maybe I could just fall asleep in his arms, nothing more had to happen, I know if I asked him he would never…  
NO. No this was too soon, too fast. My heart and my brain were fighting over my next step.

Tom could see my inner struggle and I watched his eyes change, the burning desire took a step back, apparently his brain was still working fine. 

He smiled and put his arms around me in a tight hug. I sighed and held onto him, trying to cool down the heat inside of me. 

There were still a few flames left when he put me in a cab on my way home. My heart was burning for him, I didn’t know it could still catch fire after it had been cold for so long but he changed that.

He had changed everything.


	7. Chapter 7

I set foot inside the film studios in London the next day, I had been taking a lot of difficult steps the past few days and this one was definitely right up there.

Stacey came rushing towards me as soon as I walked in. 

‘Emma!’ she screamed with a big smile and hugged me. 

I tried to break the hug as soon as possible without being rude. I still didn’t like people coming too close, Tom being the only exception of course. 

'Please, come right through,’ she insisted and I followed her through a hallway that lead us into a big room with a lot of green screens, microphones and cameras.   
So this was the magical world of film, not so magical after all.

'There’s food and drinks over there,’ Stacey said as she pointed to a whole table full of pastries and breakfast food,’ we start filming in half an hour, just have a look around, take in the sights, relax, make yourself at home, okay. I’ll see you in a bit.' 

She disappeared into the hallway again, I walked over to the table to get a coffee and grab a doughnut and then returned to the set.  
I was then when my world stopped… 

It almost felt like he was walking towards me in slow motion. He was wearing a black leather suit with green and gold accents and a long black leather coat. His hair was long and pitch black, his skin was whiter than mine, the look on his face was serious but there was also a little smirk, his eyes were no longer blue but green.   
I looked at him and felt my heart break. 

My coffee and doughnut fell to the floor as I backed away from him. I didn’t know why I started crying, I had managed to get through my entire story the night before without tears but this… seeing him here right before me, he looked so much like him! 

It touched a piece in my heart that wasn’t entirely healed yet and it broke instantly. 

Tom saw my reaction and ran towards me, he tried to take my hand but I wouldn’t let him.   
'It’s just me, Emma, it’s just me,’ he said in his soft voice.   
'I can’t!’ I cried,’ I can’t talk to you when you’re…him…I’m sorry Tom, I thought I could do this but I can’t!' 

I ran out of the studios and this time he let me. 

***

Beth came to me that night when I was sitting on the stairs to my flat. 

'You’re not going in?’ she asked, a worried look on her face.   
'Not right now,’ I sighed. 

'Move over,’ she took a seat beside me,’ tell me what happened, honey.' 

And just like that I started to cry again, I would have given anything to be able to feel nothing at that point and get off this emotional rollercoaster.

'Last night was so amazing,’ my voice was drowned in tears,’ Tom is so amazing, Beth, he makes me feel so…’   
Beth put her hand on my shoulder and I could see tears in her eyes too, something that didn’t happen very often at all.

Great Emma, you just made the old iron lady cry. 

'Today I was on the set,’ I explained,’ and Tom was in costume and make up…he looked exactly like him, Beth. I mean I knew it wasn’t him of course but for a moment there I…I saw him, I saw Loki.’   
I dried my eyes but the tears kept coming. 

'Oh honey, it’s alright,’ she said and she sighed,’ I think it might be better if you’re no longer involved in this movie, I thought it might be good for you but I may have been wrong.’   
'No, we need the money’ I spoke firmly through my tears. 

'No, we don’t,’ she sighed,’ we really don’t.’   
'But the repairs?’

'There are no repairs,’ she said,’ and the shop is doing really well.’   
I looked at her in confusion.  
'Are you lying to me right now to make me feel better?’ I then asked. 

'No, I lied to you before,’ she confessed and I saw a little smile on her face,’ oops, my bad.' 

I laughed through my tears at her cheekiness.

'You needed a little push,’ she said. 

'Oh my God, you are evil!' 

We both laughed but then the look in her eyes turned serious. 

'I won’t always be around, honey,’ she said,’ I don’t want you to be all alone once I’m gone.’   
'I do best on my own,’ I reassured her,’ don’t worry about me.’ 

Beth went home a bit later and I was left alone in my apartment. 

She was right, if I lost her I would be left all alone. I wasn’t going to admit that to her but it scared me. 

It wouldn’t have a few years ago but now… 

I looked out the window, the city had gone to sleep but I was restless. I didn’t want to be alone, I wanted to be with Tom. 

He would probably be in his hotelroom, I could just go over there…

No I couldn’t, not after today, I’m sure he’s had quite enough of the hysterical crazy girl by now.   
But I didn’t have enough of him, not by far. 

I pulled my pillow over my head and muffled my own scream. 

Was that a knock on the door? No, I was dreaming, wishful thinking, he’s not coming for me.   
But the thought hadn’t left my mind yet when I heard it again, there was someone at my door. 

I rushed out of bed and towards the door to open it and stared right into his eyes.  
Blue eyes and blond hair this time, no sign left of the man who broke me that morning. 

'I was hoping it would be you,’ I said, my voice still sounded shaky.   
'I am so sorry, Em,’ he said,’ I thought you would be able to handle it after our talk. I shouldn’t have put you through that, I should have warned you. I was an idiot.’   
I couldn’t disagree with that. 

'You can’t fix me, Tom, it’s not that easy,’ I said,’ you think because we kissed and talked that I’m all better now? You don’t have magical powers you know.' 

I expected a comeback but he just stared at me while he stepped closer until he was standing right in front of me.   
'I have some powers,’ he then said and he put his hands on my hips and pulled my body against his. I put my arms around his neck and felt the last bit of my anger disappear. 

'I’m not going anywhere,’ he whispered into my ear while he nudged his face against my hair.  
'I wouldn’t let you,’ I said as I stared into his eyes.  
He took my hands and lead me to my bedroom. 

I wasn’t sure I was ready for this but I would have done anything he asked me to in that moment. He took off his coat and shoes and sat down on the side of my bed. 

Alright, he doesn’t like to waste time, I could go with that. 

'Don’t worry,’ he then smiled,’ I am not going to try anything tonight.' 

Why not?? 

I was surprised by my feelings of disappointment at his words.

When I climbed on the bed next to him he pulled me in his arms, locking eyes with mine and kissing me softly on the lips.  
‘I want you to feel safe with me,’ he then spoke softly, we both lied down, his arms protectively around my shoulders.  
He kept kissing my forehead and hugging me until I fell asleep, it was the most peaceful sleep I’d had in months. 

When I woke up the next morning he was still asleep in my bed, one hand on my leg and his face resting against mine.   
I tried to move without waking him up. After turning on my side I let my hand run through his hair very carefully and looked at his chest slowly heaving up and down. 

He was barely making any noises and he looked as perfect asleep as he did awake.   
I almost let out a sigh of frustration, there must be a flaw somewhere, no one can be this perfect all the time.   
Part of me didn’t want to leave this spot ever again but I pushed myself out of bed anyway to take a shower, a very cold one.   
I put on some clothes and went back to the bedroom to find my bed empty. 

I found a small note on my pillow: 'Filming started an hour ago, I had to run! Did not want to scare you in the shower, Maybe we can warm up my bed tonight? Come to my hotelroom at 9, I’ll be waiting, darling, xxx Tom' 

Darling? Who even talks like that? 

I couldn’t help but smile as I felt the fire in my heart rise up again. Perfect bastard.


	8. Chapter 8

I still don’t understand how a day can start off so perfectly and peacefully and then turn into something so entirely different. 

I should have known when I entered the shop and Beth wasn’t there yet. 

I should have known when it was 2 hours later and she still wasn’t there. 

But I was on a cloud of happiness, and I hadn’t been looking at the time all day, I assumed she was just late or she had slept in like she sometimes did. 

My mind was not with Beth that day, it was with Tom and I could not wait for the day to be over and the night to start. 

And then the phone rang… 

***

I ran up the stairs and through the long white hallways, I remembered the smell so well, I had lived here for months before Beth took me in. Now she was the one balancing between life and death. 

There was a nurse waiting for me at the end of the hall.   
‘Are you Emma?’ she asked. I nodded.   
'Is she…?’ my voice was breaking. 

'She’s still in surgery,’ the nurse explained,'I’m sorry to have to tell you this but you should prepare for the worst. Are you family?’ 

I started crying,’ no but...she’s the only family I have.' 

***

At the same time that night Tom was walking around in his hotel room, nervously pacing while he looked at the clock again. It was almost 10. 

Why wasn’t she here? Everything had been so perfect last night, he couldn’t believe she was pulling away from him again. 

He had never met anyone like Emma and he had met a lot of people, especially girls. There had been so many dates he couldn’t even remember. They were always fun and the girls were always nice, but that was about it. 

He could never really be bothered to pursue it. His infatuation with Emma had been instant, she was beautiful of course, but that wasn’t what draw him to her. 

She was beautiful from the inside out, and she was so broken. The more she bared her soul to him the more he fell in love with her. Hearing her talk about Loki broke his heart, what he wouldn’t give for a love like that.

But he didn’t just want a love like that, he wanted her. 

The clock said it was past ten and he let out a deep sigh and let his hands run through his hair. 

Damned Em, where are you? 

He knew she felt the same, it was in her kiss and in her eyes when she looked at him, how she blushed when he stared at her for too long, how he felt her heart beat faster when he held her close to him.   
He didn’t just want her, he needed her. 

He had been pacing up and down his room for almost an hour now, this was useless. He grabbed his coat and rushed out, he had to find her. 

***

By the time I opened the door and entered the shop it was past midnight, it was dark and much too quiet.   
I didn’t want to be here, not after tonight, I could see Beth in every corner. Tears filled my eyes again as I made my way to my apartment, when I entered the hallway I found Tom sitting at the bottom of the stairs. He had a worried look on his face that only got worse when he saw my face, he jumped up. 

'Em?’   
'She’s dead,’ I cried,’ Beth is…' 

He didn’t need to hear any more and pulled me into his arms, holding me close and letting me cry my tears. I held onto him and I could hear him sobbing too.

'I’m so sorry,’ he whispered,’ I’m so sorry, Em' 

I broke our hug and tried to dry my eyes.   
'It was a heart attack,’ I explained.   
'Did she suffer?’ he asked.   
'They say it went pretty quickly,’ I sobbed,’ she wouldn’t have felt much pain.’ He wiped the remaining tears off my cheeks and stared into my eyes. 

'She has lived a long and beautiful life, Em,’ he said. 

I knew he was trying to comfort me but this comment made me snap and I stepped back from him pushing his hands off me. 

'Don’t!’ I said and my voice sounded angry all of a sudden,’ Don’t you dare turn this into something positive!' 

'I wasn’t!’ he said shocked,’ I didn’t mean it like that.’   
My voice was breaking now as the sadness and rage melted together. 

'Stop! Just stop with your happy bullshit! The world is not a beautiful place and life is not wonderful, it’s a fucking struggle and it’s hard and long and pointless and painful.' 

The smile was gone from his face and I was in tears again. Tom was quiet as I continued my rant.   
'And when I’m with you… you make me forget how bad it is for a while, but then it comes back and hits me twice as hard. You make me want to be happy…but I can’t be happy.’   
'I’m sorry,’ he said softly. His soothing tone only made me more angry. 

'Stop apologizing for God’s sake! Stop being so perfect, you are too much! No one is this nice all the time! I can’t deal with you and I wish I never met you! You’ve ruined me!' 

I was crying angry tears now but at this point I was mostly angry at myself for yelling at him while he had done nothing at all to deserve it. 

'Are you done?’ he yelled at me and I was taken aback by his anger. 

'Are you fucking done?!’ he repeated. I looked into his teary eyes and bit my lip.

I wanted to take back everything I just said, I didn’t mean any of it, I didn’t hate him at all. I think I loved him. 

'Yes,’ I whispered,’ I’m done…' 

Instead of walking away from me like I expected he came closer and pushed me up against the wall. His face still looked serious but all the anger had left his eyes, he kissed me, not slow like he did before but hard and passionate. 

I pulled him closer and had to fight to keep breathing, his whole body was pressing up against me, I pulled his shirt open and took it off letting my hands slide over his bare chest.   
He put both his arms around my waist and pulled me with him up the last couple of stairs until we hit the door of my apartment. 

His hands made their way under my blouse and pulled it over my head. I was melting under his touch, all the anger and frustration I had felt towards him had disappeared and made room for only one feeling: desire.   
It felt like every part of my skin was on fire, his fingers leaving a trail of flames as they touched and dug into my skin.

He tilted my head back and kissed my neck, I could hear him moaning into my ear. I had never wanted someone so badly and so desperately.

‘Open up the door,’ he whispered into my ear,’ let me in.’


	9. Chapter 9

I know this sounds really bad so soon after Beth’s death, but the next few days were the best I’ve had in a very long time. 

Tom had called the studio earlier that week pretending to be in bed with a bad case of the flu, instead he was in bed with me.   
We didn’t leave the apartment for 4 days, living only on our love, old movies and cheap Asian food. 

I knew I had been in love with him for a while now, but I fell for him all over again in those few days.   
It wasn’t even the sex. Okay, I won’t lie, the sex was part of it. He was an experienced and patient lover, as I expected him to be, and I couldn’t get enough of his hands on me. But mostly the sex quieted my mind and helped me forget. The time I spent between the sheets with him was a time I didn’t have to think about what had happened.

If there was any doubt left in my mind that he felt the same it was shut down by all the little things he did. How he held me without saying a word whenever I broke down in tears over Beth’s death, how he listened to my crazy rants or told me stupid jokes to make me laugh. How he did his silly impressions when we watched movies, or how I caught him looking at me when he thought I couldn’t see, how he kissed my forehead or pulled me close to him in his sleep. 

I may have lost Beth but I had Tom now, I wouldn’t be alone.

Part of me wanted to believe Beth had just been holding on for me, that she had been ready to go for a while but she didn’t want to leave this world until she was sure I would be okay.  
I know, it was stupid and I didn’t believe it either, but I wanted to with all my heart. 

We sat on my bed that last night of the week, Tom had to go back into the studio the next day. There was no way he could put it off any longer and I could tell that he didn’t want to either. His heart was in this movie, I would not be the one to keep that from him. 

I however would not be joining him on set, it was time to leave that chapter of my life behind me now. It wouldn’t happen overnight but my heart told me I was finally ready to let it go. 

Tom pulled me closer so I was sitting in front of him on the bed and I smiled at his messy hair and the big grin on his face. 

‘Okay, ask me a question,’ he said,’ anything you want to know, make it a hard one.’   
I stared at him for a little while,’ Okay, I’ve got one.’  
'Hit me,’ he said full of enthusiasm. 

'Give me a flaw.’

He looked at me in disbelief,’ what?!’   
'Tell me one of your biggest flaws,’ I insisted,’ come on, I know you seem perfect in every way but there has to be something.’ 

I could see him thinking and a little smirk formed on his lips.   
'Sorry I got nothing,’ he then answered and I hit his leg.   
'Think harder!' 

'Okay okay, I got something,’ he said,’ I’m…I’m too nice?’   
'That’s not a fucking flaw!’ I hit him again but he grabbed my hands and held them down.   
'Wait wait, hear me out, I’m too nice in the way that I always see the best in people and I want the best for other people, but I forget not everyone wants the same for me. Sometimes people take advantage of that and step on you.’ 

My smile faded from my face, just the thought of anyone taking advantage of this beautiful, kind man in front of me was enough to hurt my heart.

'Oh great, now I’ve made you sad,’ he sighed,’ I’m so sorry.’  
'Well, we’ll put that down as another one of your flaws,’ I crawled closer to him, 'you apologize way too easily.’

He brought my hand up to his lips and put a soft kiss on it.

‘And you make me care too much,’ I added softly.

He pulled me onto his lap and pulled me close.   
'So you care about me?’ he asked.   
'More than you know,’ I whispered, putting a smile on his face. 

'I do know,’ he stared into my eyes for a few moments,’ because I feel exactly the same, Emma.’

He leaned in to kiss me again. 

***

In her will Beth had left the shop and the whole building to me, I was free to do with it as I pleased, run it or sell it.   
I hadn’t made up my mind yet, part of me loved this store as much as she did but the thought of running it all on my own was a little scary and a responsibility I wasn’t sure I was ready for.

It was dark in the shop that night when I was waiting for Tom to pick me up. He should be there in about 15 minutes and I couldn’t wait for him to get here already. Walking along the book shelves reminded me of Beth too much tonight, I wanted to leave the house more than anything.

There were too many memories lingering here and I realized I would probably have to sell the shop for my own sanity. Maybe a fresh start wouldn’t be a bad thing. It was a decision I shouldn’t be making too soon, I needed time to mourn Beth first.

I was pulled from my thoughts when I heard a noise in the back of the shop but when I turned on the light there was nothing to see. I put the rest of the books away and turned it off again.

As soon as I did there was another thump, I could have sworn I saw a shadow, there was definitely something moving between the shelves. 

And then I heard it, footsteps, I was afraid to turn around, knowing Tom would never sneak up on me like that, whoever did was not supposed to be here. I started backing away from the shelves when I heard his voice. 

'Did you forget all about me, Emma?' 

Tom might have had the voice down pretty well for the movie but there was no doubt in my mind that this was not Tom. I would recognise this voice anywhere… 

I turned around and saw him, standing in the darkness between the bookshelves and wearing nothing but black. I stared into his pale perfect face and piercing green eyes, his lips turned into an evil grin, I felt like my heart was being ripped out of my chest. 

'Loki.’


	10. Chapter 10

I woke up feeling completely disorientated, with a big headache and pain in my eyes. I rubbed them while I tried to sit up but it still took a while for me to be able to see anything clearly. 

The room was small, I was surrounded by wooden walls and a wooden floor and I was sitting on a tiny bed with white sheets. The clothes I wore were not mine, I was sure I had never seen these jeans and top before. 

When I tried standing up I went through my knees instantly and sank down to the floor. Every muscles in my entire body hurt.

I tried to remember what happened but I couldn’t get the facts straight in my head. Last thing I remembered was being in the shop, I was putting books away and it was dark and…there was a noise. No, not just a noise, a voice.

And then the image of his face hit me, Loki! 

I used all my strength but the best I could do was crawl over the floor like a zombie. I could see a door but it seemed further and further away from me as I was crawling closer to it.   
‘Loki!’ I screamed his name in anger. 

After what seemed like an hour I gave up and crawled back to the bed, I pulled myself up and fell down on my back between the pillows, trying to calm my racing heartbeat.   
When I closed my eyes all I could see was Tom’s face, his cute smile when I last saw him and the way his eyes had lit up when he looked into mine.   
Just thinking about the possibility of losing him put tears in my eyes. 

I don’t how long I lay there but I must have cried myself to sleep.

I woke up some time later, sat up straight in the bed and rubbed my arms. The pain was still there, I threw my legs over the side off the bed and got startled when I heard the door opened. 

He was dressed in black leather pants tucked into leather boots and a black shirt with long sleeves. His hair had grown longer and the curls were gone, I hadn’t noticed it in the shop but seeing him in the light now I could see his face looked distorted. His eyes were bloodshot and I could have sworn he looked even paler than usual. 

But just the sight of him still took my breath away. 

He stared at me, I tried to read his eyes but this time I couldn’t get through, there was more than a world between us. 

'What have you done to me?’ I yelled at him,’ I can barely move!’

'Don’t worry, it will wear off soon,’ he said cold. 

I turned away from him. 

'Are you hungry?’ he then asked.  
I still couldn’t hear any emotion in his voice.   
'No,’ I answered.   
'I have food if you…’   
'No!’ I yelled and I turned back around to look him in the eyes,’ I don’t want anything from you!’ 

He held my eyes for a few seconds and then just turned away and slammed the door behind him. 

I fell back down on the bed and let out an angry scream. The drugs that were still in my system took over soon and I fell into a deep sleep again. 

When I woke up the door of my room was open.

I tried standing on my feet and managed to stay up this time, whatever he gave me was indeed wearing off. 

I made my way to the door as quickly as I could, there was no sign of Loki. The door brought me to another bigger room, it had a table, an old couch, and a little kitchen.   
It looked like some sort of cabin, there was another door that I assumed would lead me outside. I rushed towards it and pushed it open, which to my surprise worked. 

I breathed in the fresh air and noticed that I was right, it was a cabin in the woods. As far as I could see there was a big forest of tall trees, it was impossible to see beyond that. 

Damned, this trying-to-escape-plan was starting to look like a real hassle, how far would I really get with these weak legs?

But I had to at least try, this may be my only chance. 

I started running and found myself buried in the forest within minutes. There was no clear path to run on so I had to make my way through the leaves and branches on the ground, it felt like I was running for hours and there was still no end in sight. 

I grabbed one of the trees to lean on and tried to catch my breath. 

Come on Emma suck it up! This may be life or death here, what’s a little pain in your legs, bite through it. 

I started to run again but my running pace soon turned into a fast walk and then a slow stumble, my legs hurt like hell and I could feel tears in my eyes. This was hopeless, I would never get out of these woods.

Where did he take me? Was I even still on earth? Was this forest even real or was it one of Loki’s mind tricks? 

I hit the tree in anger which only hurt my hand and I screamed out in frustration.

'You really couldn’t wait to get away from me, huh?' 

I jumped up when I saw him coming towards me. 

'You’re not my prisoner, Emma,’ he spoke calmly,’ you are free to leave whenever you want.’   
I looked at him in disbelief. 

'There’s nowhere to run to!’ I yelled defeated.

'Maybe you don’t want it enough.’ 

We stared at each other, neither of us willing to back down first. 

'Come back to the cabin with me,’ he asked. ’  
Forget it!’ I snapped. 

'You could die out here,’ he insisted.   
'I’ll take my chances,’ I said stubborn. 

'Suit yourself.' 

Within seconds he had disappeared between the trees and I was alone again. I sighed and sank down against the tree. 

I just wanted him to leave but now that he was gone the reality of the situation sank in. I could not run anymore and there was no way out of here, my only chances were going back to the cabin but I couldn’t even remember which way I came from.   
Fuck! 

I forced myself to stand up and started to walk, I thought Loki had gone this way but I couldn’t be sure.   
Every step hurt but I refused to stop walking. And as if that wasn’t bad enough it was starting to get dark. 

After what felt like several hours later I was at the end of my strength. I sank down and leaned my back and head against a tree, trying to ignore the stinging pain in my ankles. It was most uncomfortable but I could feel my eyes shutting anyway, my exhaustion was bigger than my discomfort and I found sleep surprisingly quickly.

Loki was watching her from a distance, her stubbornness was still there but she had changed. He couldn’t read her anymore, she had build up a wall of hate towards him and he wasn’t even sure if he could trust her anymore. 

He walked up to her when he was sure she was asleep. 

She looked calm and at peace now, he brought his hand up to her face and softly stroked her hair.

'You’re still mine, Emma,’ he whispered. He took her in his arms and carried her back to the cabin.


	11. Chapter 11

I remember falling asleep in the woods but when I opened my eyes I was back in the comfortable bed, Loki must have brought me back here last night. 

I sat up straight in the bed and rubbed the sleep from my eyes. When I threw the sheets off me I could see him standing in the corner, leaned against the wall with his arms crossed and staring at me with angry eyes. 

‘Who’s Tom?’ he asked. 

'What…?' 

Hearing Loki say his name sent shivers down my spine. How the hell did he know about him? 

'You keep saying his name in your sleep,’ he explained. 

'It’s none of your business who he is,’ I had meant to sound angry but my voice was shaking. I did not want to talk about Tom with him. 

'Is he the man I saw in front of the bookstore waiting for you?’ 

The hairs on my arms stood up and I looked up at him. I still couldn’t read his eyes.   
'Did you see him?’ I asked.

He nodded his head and kept his eyes on me.

‘Did you hurt him?’ I then asked.

Loki let out an evil laugh and just looked at me with amusement on his face. 

'What if I did? Would that make you angry?' 

We stared at each other again.

He’s bluffing, he must be. But he knew Tom was waiting for me, he must have seen us together, probably more than once, had he been spying on me?

'You son of a bitch!’ I screamed and before I knew what I was doing I had pushed him up against the wall and hit him hard in the face. He must have seen me coming but he let me hit him anyway. 

'If you did something to him,’ I was now screaming in anger, no sign left of my shaky voice,’ if you hurt him I swear I will…' 

'You will what?’ he yelled back at me, no more amusement in his voice, all I could see now was hate, anger and…jealousy.

‘Do you think there is anything left that can hurt me?!’ he then yelled.

I wanted to hit him again but this time he grabbed my hands and slammed me against the wall. My head hit the wall pretty hard and I could feel his hand around my throat. 

I could see the anger build up even more in his eyes and felt his grip tighten. I was gasping for air and grabbed his chest with both my hands. 

'No…Loki no,’ the words were barely a whisper as they left my mouth,’ stop, please.' 

He released me and took a step back, a look of shock and horror on his face, as if he was surprised by his own actions. I grabbed my throat and fought to find my breath back.  
Looking at him thoughts of Tom and the idea of Loki hurting him came to me again and I lashed out at him, trying to hit him in the face again but this time he just took my hands and held them down. 

'Stop!’ he said firmly,’ Stop! I didn’t do anything to him.' 

I looked into his eyes trying to find the truth.   
'I swear,’ he added softly. 

I stopped fighting him and burst out in tears when I sat back down on the bed.

Loki was quiet and went back to his spot against the wall, his eyes staring down on me and not backing away. 

'So who is he?’ he asked again. 

'You do not get to ask me that!’ I said angry. 

'Am I that easy to forget?’ he asked and there was a hint of sadness in his voice. 

'Easy? Easy?!’ I was yelling at him again,’ don’t you dare say that to me! I cried for you every day, my heart was dead for over a year, I wish I had died that day on the tracks, anything would have been better than having to go on without you!' 

My last words were drowned in tears. 

'Don’t you dare say it was easy just because you came back when I was finally ready to move on!’ I continued. 

'And have you?’ he asked,’ moved on…from me?' 

I stared into his green eyes, begging me for an answer. 

'Is it over Emma?' 

I stared into his eyes and I could see through the wall this time, there was no anger only jealousy, pain, hurt and sadness. 

He was still my Loki and he was more broken then before, only this time I was the one that broke him. I was the one that caused him all this pain and that was almost too much to bear. 

I couldn’t give him an answer. 

***

Tom was walking through the halls of SHIELD in London, it didn’t look that different from the offices they used in the movie, this whole situation was all very surreel to him. He knocked on the door of the main office and a man with a friendly smile and an expensive looking suit let him in and shook his hand. 

'You must be Tom,’ he said,’ I’m Marcus, welcome to SHIELD.’ 

'Thank you, Marcus,’ Tom tried to sound friendly but his patience was killing him,’ is there any news?' 

Marcus shook his head,’ I’m sorry, we have our best agents out looking for her but…' 

'How about the Avengers?’ Tom asked. It sounded like a line from a script but it felt painfully real to him this time. Marcus shook his head again. 

'Thor?’ Tom asked. 

'Thor has been looking for him since he was banished from Asgard, without any result.' 

Tom let out a deep sigh as he leaned on the desk.   
'So basically no one knows where she is or if she’s even still alive?’ he asked.

'We have no reason to assume Loki would want to harm her,’ Marcus explained,’ as you know he was pretty fond of her.’ 

'Yes, she told me her story,’ Tom said as he looked Marcus into his eyes,’ all of it.’   
Marcus ignored what he was implying but felt a bit uncomfortable. 

'Your secret is safe with me,’ Tom reassured him,’ I just want her back.’ 

Marcus nodded,’ Believe me, we all do, we just…have no idea where to start looking.’


	12. Chapter 12

Loki didn’t show himself again in the next few days, or had it been more than a week already? I was starting to have trouble distinguishing time in here.

All I did was lay on the bed, come out to eat something-somehow there was always food in the small kitchen-use the bathroom and went back to my room. There was never any sign of him. 

Maybe I should just try and run again. I was well rested now and my muscles were in better shape than they were a few days ago.   
I was trying to decide what my next step should be when I heard noises in the other room. I jumped off the bed but before I could move someone opened the door and I stared right into his blue eyes. 

Tom…

His worried face lit up when he saw me,’ Emma! Thank God you’re alright!’

He rushed towards me and put his hands on my shoulders while he looked me in the eyes,’ You are alright, aren’t you? Did he hurt you?‘ 

'How are you here?’ I stuttered. My mind was trying to work around the fact that he was actually standing here right in front of me. 

'SHIELD is here,’ Tom explained,’ it’s over, Emma.' 

I still couldn’t get any words to come out of my mouth but I put my arms around him and kissed him. He pulled me closer and kissed me back with a passion unknown to me, his kiss felt different than I remembered. 

'It’s okay,’ Tom spoke softly,’ he won’t hurt you again, it’s over. I’m taking you home with me.' 

'Where’s Loki?’ I could hear the worry in my own voice and noticed the surprised look on Tom’s face. 

'They captured him,’ he explained,’ he’s going back to his cage for what he did to you, Emma.' 

'No,’ I could feel tears sting in my eyes, I tried to fight them from falling but it was useless,’ no, please, they can’t put him back in there.’

Tom took a step back and looked at me in disbelief,’ Are you joking, Emma? After everything he did to you? After all this time you still care?' 

I couldn’t speak the words, the last thing I wanted was to hurt Tom or seem ungrateful and I knew anything I said would do exactly that.

But he didn’t look hurt, far from it even. There was a smirk on his face that turned into an evil grin. 

His kiss had felt different somehow… 

I only now realised what exactly was different about it, his lips had been more eager, more desperate. But they had felt so much colder.

As I pushed him off me he fell back and I watched Tom’s short blond hair grow into long black locks. His eyed turned green and his face was suddenly paler. 

'Hello, darling,’ he smiled. 

‘Loki?’ I backed away from him and stared at him in shock,’ You were testing me?!' 

'Yes,’ the look on his face turned more serious while he stared into my eyes,’ and you passed.' 

He walked out of the room and closed the door behind him. 

When he entered the living room the smile returned to his face. He was still jealous of this pathetic human Tom and how she had been willing to kiss him so easily, but it soon wouldn’t matter anymore. 

He had seen a glimpse of her, his Emma was still in there. It was his name she spoke, him she was worried about, her tears had been for him.

*** 

I couldn’t get any sleep that night, my mind kept thinking about Tom and then coming back to Loki. I couldn’t believe he had tricked me like that, I hated him for it. 

But I also remembered how it felt when I thought SHIELD had captured him again, how the tears just kept coming, tears for him, they had nothing to do with Tom. And then the kiss, oh God this kiss…

After several hours I was ready to beg Loki to drug me again just to stop these stupid feelings. I was still angry with him over a lot more than that trick.

I had every right to be, it wasn’t even about the killing anymore, I had always known what he was, I stopped believing in the illusion that I could have ever changed that.   
But he drugged me and kidnapped me and held me prisoner. Okay, maybe that last part wasn’t entirely true. If he had really seen me with Tom he had every right to be angry too. He didn’t understand human relationships all that well, and come to think of it, a year must seem like nothing to him, not enough time to forget everything that happened between us, definitely not enough time to forget someone who was that important to you. 

I crawled out of bed and opened the door to the other room, it was dark apart from a few candles. Loki was sitting on the couch staring in front of him into the darkness. 

He looked sad and more alone than I had ever seen him and I felt a piece of my heart break for him.

I slowly walked over to him, took a seat on the couch next to him and pulled up my legs. I made sure I was sitting as far away from him as the couch allowed.

'What happened to you after you left earth?’ I asked softly, there was no longer any anger left inside of me now. 

'I went back to Asgard,’ he said,’ they put me in another cage as soon as I arrived. They couldn’t keep me locked up, after the last time I escaped they banished me. I’ve been moving around ever since until I ended up here.' 

'Where is here?’ I asked carefully,’ are we on earth?' 

He turned to look at me, his green eyes were even more captivating in the candle light,’ Does it matter?’ 

I decided to let it go for now and not push him for more information. 

'I thought you were dead, Emma’ he spoke quietly while he shook his head. 

'I was, but they brought me back…Loki, I…' 

He stared at me and I watched his eyes change when I mentioned his name, making me forget what I wanted to say.   
We sat in silence for a few minutes. 

'You should have come for me sooner,’ I finally said. 

'I tried, I couldn’t find my way back to earth. You have to believe that I tried, Emma.' 

He sighed and then turned to me. 'Am I too late?’ he whispered. 

I tried to look away but he held me with his gaze, it started to feel like the past year hadn’t happened. 

I felt the walls between us break down while my heart was swelling up. 

'Is it over?’ he asked again. 

I just shook my head. 

No, it was far from over.


	13. Chapter 13

More days past, or maybe even weeks, I was living in a bubble, there was only the cabin, the fresh air of the woods surrounding us and Loki.

We sat by the river during the day and by the open fire and candlelight during the night. He always brought food and I was starting to find my way around the little kitchen and the cabin. It was quiet out here, beautiful and oddly peaceful. Days passed now when I didn't think of home that much anymore.

I had noticed the change in him too, we had started talking. I told him everything that happened the past year, told him about Beth and even about Tom, though I tried to keep that part as vague as I could. Every time I mentioned his name I could see the jealousy burn in Loki’s eyes.

There was still a wall between us that we both couldn’t seem to break, he still disappeared on me sometimes and I was still keeping my distance from him physically. 

I was afraid if I broke that last part of the wall there would be no turning back.

That morning Loki had disappeared again and instead of waiting in the cabin, like I usually did, I went for a walk by myself and ended up by the river.

Loki still hadn’t told me anything about our location but I believed we were still on earth.

Everything about these trees, the ground, the water and the air felt very familiar to me. I know I had never been to Asgard but I had read about it, this did not look or feel anything like it. This felt like earth, I was still home, I just didn’t know exactly where.

I was sitting by the water alone when all of a sudden I heard Loki scream my name, it was a scream of panic that made the hairs on my arm stand up. I was on my feet in an instant and watched him appear from between the trees, looking out of breath and worried.

‘Why were you not in the house?’ he yelled angry.  
'I thought I wasn’t your prisoner?’  
'You’re not!’ he snapped and stepped closer to me,’ I just…I thought..’

He was standing right in front of me now, his eyes staring into mine while he shook his head.  
'You thought I ran away,’ I said in a soft voice.  
He opened up his mouth but didn’t say anything. Then he took my hand and with that single touch broke down my entire wall.

I put my other hand on his chest and leaned my head against his, hearing a sigh of relief from his lips while his arms closed around my waist.  
'I’m not leaving you again,’ I whispered.

'I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, I know I had no right to take you away like that or to trick you, I didn’t know what else to do, I was a fool.’

'No you’re not, Loki,’ I let my hands run through his hair,’ I should have waited for you, it’s just…it’s all so complicated now.’  
I sighed, I hated when people used that word but there really was no other way to say it.

'I’m a patient man, but you were mine first, Emma,’ he whispered into my ear,’ you will be mine again.’

The look he gave me made me weak in the knees. I knew he was right, and I knew I wouldn’t be able to escape it.

It didn’t matter that I had fallen so hard for Tom, Loki would make me fall so much harder and deeper and I knew I would let it happen.

***

Marcus leaned back in his chair in the SHIELD offices in the centre of London.  
It had been almost a month now since Emma disappeared, statements of several eyewitnesses left no doubt that Loki was the one who took her.

There were still no leads on any possible locations and the Avengers had pretty much given up on the search by now. They wanted to find Loki but as long as he stayed off the map and didn’t cause any trouble he was not a priority at this time. They had searched every possible lead and more, it was out of their hands now.

But there was one place they hadn’t looked yet, they hadn’t looked there because Marcus had always kept it to himself. He was staring at the address in his hand, the Stark safe house he gave to Emma over a year ago.

They never managed to get there then but Emma probably told Loki about the place anyway.

He searched for the address online, it was about 3 hours outside of London, there didn’t seem to be any other houses nearby, it looked more like a cabin, a cabin in the middle of the woods.


	14. Chapter 14

I walked into the living room that morning to find myself alone again, there was bread and eggs in the kitchen and the fireplace was lit. I put on a warm sweater and put my hair in a bun while I put the kettle on the stove. 

This cabin was starting to feel like home to me, being with Loki started to feel like home and nothing else seemed to matter right now. I knew there was still a real world outside these woods but somehow I wasn’t entirely aware of that. This had been my world and I had to admit I thought a little less about the other real world every day I spent with Loki.

I looked up when the door opened and he walked in. The smile on his face so warm and loving it distracted me and my hand got caught in the small flames of the stove for a few seconds.   
‘Fucking hell!’ I screamed in pain and pulled my hand back, 'oh shit that hurts!’

Loki came rushing towards me and quickly took my hand to hold it under the cold water, rubbing his fingers gently over the burned spot. The cold water combined with the cold his skin soon eased the pain. 

'Clumsy little mortal,’ he joked but the smile disappeared from his face when he looked me in the eyes, I only now realized how close we were standing, our faces almost touching. I had been fighting it for weeks but I couldn’t fight it any one day longer, every part of me wanted him. 

He was still holding my hand and put it on his chest. 

'Is that better?’ he whispered and leaned against me with his entire body, the last thing I felt at this point was the burns on my hand. 

I couldn’t get any words to come out of my mouth so I just nodded. He leaned in and kissed me softly, pushing me against the counter of the kitchen. 

I pulled him close and our kisses soon became more heated. His hands found their way under my sweater, pulling it over my head and meanwhile pushing me away from the kitchen and in the direction of the living room. 

I took his hands and pushed him down on the couch, he immediately pulled me on top of him and started kissing my neck, I shivered under his cold touch but I was burning up at the same time. 

'Loki,’ I moaned and he grabbed my hair and kissed my lips again, meanwhile pushing me down on the couch so I was lying underneath him. The hooded look in his eyes and the little curl of his lips made me melt completely. 

There was no doubt left in my mind now, he was mine and I would never let him go again. I helped him out of his pants and wrapped my legs around his waist, making him moan in approval.  
He leaned his forehead against mine and made sure I looked him deep into his eyes while he pushed his hardness all the way inside, taking both our breaths away for a few seconds.

‘I knew you were still mine,’ he breathed in a heavy whisper while his lips met mine and he started thrusting slowly.

***

The next morning I woke up with Loki lying beside me in the bed. His eyes were closed so I assumed he was still sleeping. I carefully let my hand run across his bare chest, he was always so cold, so smooth, so otherworldly perfect.

When I tried to get up I suddenly felt his arm snaking around my waist, pulling me back into the bed.   
'Stay here,’ he said in his sleepy voice. 

I turned to face him and he pulled me close, looking into my eyes. 

'So is it safe to assume you’re no longer angry with me?’ he then asked. 

'I was never really angry,’ I whispered,’ I was…blinded.’ 

He smiled,’ And now you see?’ 

'I see you,’ I touched his face and stared into his piercing green eyes,’ and I realize I’ve missed you more than you know.' 

'I think I know, my love,’ he leaned closer and kissed me,’ but just to prove it I’m going to show you exactly how much I’ve missed you, you are not leaving this bed today.' 

His lips started kissing my neck while his hands worked their way up my inner thigh, quickly getting rid of any other thoughts in my head.

It felt heavenly to be this close to him, not having to rush out in fear SHIELD might find us, not having to run from anyone. I felt more relaxed and at peace than I had in a long time. 

I felt happy, and that’s how I knew something bad was about to happen.


	15. Chapter 15

I was sitting on the porch of our cabin a few days later, the sun was shining but you could feel the chill in the air.

Was it spring yet? 

I had no idea if this was a warm February day or a cold day in April, I had really lost all sense of time. Loki stepped outside and smiled when he saw me.

He sat down beside me and put his arms around my shoulders, I closed my eyes and hugged him tight.   
I could have stayed here forever, just me and him living in our own little world. I didn’t need reality, I never had and reality never needed me either. 

But there was someone out there that needed me… 

No, I hadn’t forgotten all about Tom, how could I? He was still very much in my heart, it’s just that…Loki had been there longer. 

And he still had this power over me, when I was with him I could only have eyes for him, nothing else and no one else mattered. 

Loki noticed the look on my face. 

‘What’s wrong?’ he asked. 

'Nothing,’ I shook my head and waved his concern away,’ nothing’s wrong, everything is perfect, but that’s when things usually go wrong.' 

'I won’t let that happen,’ he said in a soft voice and leaned closer to kiss me. 

His kisses were heavenly and I could feel myself get lost in them again, his lips and his hands could make me forget about everything else for a while. 

'Where exactly are we, Loki?’ I asked when he broke our kiss. 

He sighed and looked me in the eyes,’ We are where we were supposed to be, over a year ago, the place you wanted to take me?' 

I looked at him in disbelief. 

'The safe house from Marcus?’ I said shocked. 

He nodded and I was out of his hug and on my feet in seconds. 

'No no no, this isn’t safe!’ I said in panick,’ they know about this place, Marcus knows about this place!' 

'Emma, relax!’ he interrupted me while he got up and took my hands,’ the only one who knows is Marcus and it’s safe to say he hasn’t spoken up. We’ve been here for months now, nobody has come.' 

I heard what he was saying but it wasn’t registering in my mind. 

'It’s not safe,’ I kept repeating and I grabbed his chest trying to make him listen. 

'It will be alright,’ he tried to reassure me. 

'Take me to Asgard,’ I said and I could see the surprise on his face,’ take me as far away from earth as you can, they’ll find us here!' 

I knew it sounded crazy but the idea of SHIELD splitting us up again was too much for me to bear, not now, not after everything.

'I no longer have access to Asgard, remember?’ he spoke quietly, 'this is the only place I could think of, Emma.' 

I just nodded my head, still feeling a bit numb from this information. Loki pulled me close to him and stared into my eyes. 

'Calm down, my love, no one knows we’re here, it will be alright.' 

I put my arms around him and pulled him close. I knew he was probably right, Marcus could not reveal this to SHIELD without giving away that he went behind their back to try and help me and Loki. He wouldn’t risk his own job for me.

But what if he did anyway? 

***

Marcus was pacing around his office, he had been thinking about it for the past days and the more he thought about it the more he became convinced the safe house was exactly where they were hiding. 

And he knew Loki was betting on him to keep his mouth shut. Marcus felt like spilling everything to SHIELD just to prove that fucker wrong. 

But of course he wasn’t wrong, Marcus had let several opportunities pass him by to speak up, part of him wanted to but the other part couldn’t bring himself to take the risk.

He looked up when someone knocked on the door. 

'Come in.’

'Hello again, Marcus,’ Tom walked in and shook his hand.

Marcus noticed he looked tired and troubled,’ Is everything alright?’

'No, everything is far from alright,’ Tom answered with anger in his voice. 

'Sit down.’

'It’s been 3 months,’ Tom sighed,’ is anybody even still looking for her?' 

'I don’t…I’m not sure what to tell you, Tom.' 

‘The truth would be good.’

‘No,’ Marcus admitted,’ we stopped looking last month.’

'So we’re giving up on her?’ Tom asked in disbelief. 

'It’s not that we’ve given up, there just aren’t any leads,’ Marcus explained,’ we’ve looked everywhere we know to look.’

'Are they sure?’ Tom asked,’ are you sure? Is there nothing, even the slightest chance in the world that they missed something?' 

Tom leaned back in the chair and let his hands go through his messy hair. 

'It can’t end like this, it just can’t,’ he whispered defeated. 

Marcus let out a deep sigh, cursing his own conscience for what he was about to do.

‘There might be something,’ he then admitted,’ just give me an hour.’


	16. Chapter 16

I had just put on a clean sweater and was brushing my hair in the bedroom that morning when I heard it, an extremely loud noise was approaching quickly. My heart jumped in my chest, it was always quiet out here in the woods, there were no noises except from animals and this was anything but an animal.

When I opened the window I watched my biggest fear come true. A helicopter was circling above the cabin.

‘Loki!’ I screamed as loud as I could but I couldn’t hear my own voice over all the noise. 

I stormed out of the bedroom and ran into someone.

'Marcus?’ I said shocked. 

'Emma, thank god!’ he rushed towards me and put his hands on my shoulder while looking into my eyes,’ Are you okay? Are you hurt?’

All I could do was nodd my head in confusion. It was no illusion this time, no trick, Shield was here, they found me.

'I knew you’d be here, I knew it,’ he sighed,’ I should have realized sooner.’

He was shaking his head and tightening his grip on me.

‘It’s going to be alright now, we’re taking you home, it’s over.’ He wanted to pull me with him but my body refused to move.

'No,’ I protested. 

The look of confusion on his face only lasted a few seconds before he realized what was going on.

'Emma, please no,’ Marcus spoke softly,’ don’t do this to yourself.' 

'Please, just turn around and leave us here,’ I begged.

‘We can’t do that.’

‘He hasn’t hurt anyone.' 

'He kidnapped you!' 

'I came willingly,’ I lied, making him shake his head.

‘Emma…’

‘I love him, Marcus,’ I was shocked by my own words, I had never actually said it out loud before but I knew I had felt it for a long time,’ that is not a lie.’

His eyes turned soft but he was still shaking his head.

'I risked my career to get SHIELD here,’ he then said.

'And I’m thankful for that’, I said,’ but…' 

‘It is too late, Emma, they’ve already taken him.' 

Without hesitating I pushed him aside and made my way through the living room and out of the cabin.

Loki was sitting on his knees, his hands were chained behind his back and his head was down. His eyes looked distant, his body language defeated and weak. I knew they drugged him. 

He was surrounded by 4 agents with their special guns, they must have shot the drugs right into him before he even saw them coming. 

I ran to him with tears in my eyes, falling on my knees and wrapping my arms around him. The agents looked so shocked they didn’t seem to know how to react. 

‘I’m sorry,’ Loki whispered into my ear. 

'I’m not,’ I said while I looked into his eyes. 

Marcus made his way outside of the cabin and ordered the agents to take Loki away, I cried while they dragged him out of my arms and into a black van. 

It felt like I was being pulled out of a beautiful dream and getting dropped back into a dark reality. 

I couldn’t stop the tears anymore and I didn’t even fight it when Marcus came to me and put his arms around me. 

'I’m sorry, kid,’ he said in a sympathetic voice,’ it’s for the best.' 

The best for who?! 

I let Marcus hug me and let the tears flow. It was all out of my hands now, it was over.

***

I pushed the nurse’s hand away when she wanted to check my forehead for the third time. 

'I’m fine!’ I snapped at her. 

Marcus had insisted on taking me to the hospital for a check up. I was too upset to decline but now that I’d been here for over 2 hours I wanted nothing more than to leave. 

SHIELD had arranged a hotelroom for me to stay in for a few nights, I just wanted a bed to sleep in and forget about…everything. 

Marcus entered the room and I could see the nurse rolling her eyes at him. 

'It’s fine, thank you,’ he said and she left the room. 

I was sitting on the edge of the bed and looked at him,’ I’m sorry Marcus, I know you risked a lot by saving me, I really am thankful, even though it doesn’t look that way.' 

He just nodded his head. 

'Are they going to fire you?’ I asked. 

'No,’ he smiled,’ they are so relieved to have Loki that they decided to just put me on leave for a few weeks, seeing I was the one that lead them to him.’

'That’s good, can I leave now?' 

'You’re free to go,’ he said,’ but…there is someone else here to see you.' 

Marcus left the room and when the door opened again my heart stopped. 

I stared right into his blue teary eyes and his pale worried face. 'Tom…’


	17. Chapter 17

I had been so wrapped up in Loki and our own little bubble of a world that I had never allowed myself to miss Tom. Until now that is. 

The sight of him hit me hard and I suddenly realised what happened these past months and how things must have been for him.  
I couldn’t find any words so I just started crying. Tom rushed towards me and wrapped his arms around me.

‘You’re alive,’ he whispered into my ear,’ I can’t believe you’re alive.’

'I’m fine,’ I said softly, his eyes were staring so deeply into mine, I missed those eyes so much but I was feeling too much guilt to keep looking into them. 

He leaned closer to kiss me and my initial reaction was to kiss him back but after a little while I stopped him. 

'Tom, I can’t…It’s…things have changed.' 

I didn’t need to say anything more, he knew exactly what I meant and stepped back immediately. 

'It’s him, isn’t it? You still love him,’ he didn’t sound angry but painfully calm. 

'It’s complicated.' 

There was that word again. 

He shook his head and looked me in the eyes. 

'Let me uncomplicate it for you,’ he said and he walked through the door without looking back. 

I sat back down on the bed and let my hands run through my hair before I wiped away my tears. 

I had been alone all my life and I had always been fine with that. Now I had 2 people that cared about me, that I cared for so much. But it was impossible to keep them both in my life.   
How do I even begin to choose? 

Tom was the logical choice, he was human, and I loved him, everything about him, inside and out. Plus there’s the small detail that he wasn’t a mass murderer. But I’ve hurt him, maybe more than I could ever make up for. 

And Loki…despite everything else he was, he was my soulmate, he was as broken as I was but together we were healed. He knew my darkness in a way Tom never could. 

I knew I would have to make a choice soon and I knew whatever it was it would kill me. 

I stayed in my hotel room for the next 5 days, I hadn’t heard or seen Tom again and I had no idea where Loki was. Now that Marcus was on leave for 2 weeks I had no one to get me into SHIELD and I doubted I could even talk Marcus into letting me see Loki this time.  
I knew I had to see him again one way or another. I just couldn’t think about it too much, my mind mostly wondered off to Tom these days. 

Now that I was free of Loki’s spell I realised what I did and the guilt was eating me alive. I had just started to love Tom and then Loki took over everything again, I know it wasn’t fair to put this on Loki and whatever hold he had over me. Whether it was one of his tricks or not, I was still capable of making my own choices. 

I couldn’t blame this on him, this was all on me. No wonder Tom wanted nothing to do with me. 

I put on my coat and was ready to go outside, I didn’t know where I was going but I knew I needed to get out of my hotel room for a while or I would go crazy.

As I entered the hotel lobby I saw him, walking right in front of me was Tom. 

Shit. 

He was wearing a black coat and his dark blond hair was messy and curly, the look on his face was very serious. He hadn’t seen me yet and I slowed down a little bit to let him leave the hotel first. 

As soon as he opened the door I could see camera flashes coming from everywhere, dozens of reporters and paparazzi just threw themselves at him shouting his name. He waved politely but walked right past them to the cab that was waiting for him. 

I made the mistake of stepping outside at that moment. I could still hear them shouting Tom’s name until two of them noticed me. 

'Emma! It’s Emma!' 

All of a sudden the crowd turned away from Tom and focused on me, screaming my name now. The camera flashes blinded me and the crowd was getting too close, pushing me in different directions.

I almost lost my balance until I felt a hand on my back softly guiding me towards a cab and pushing me inside. It was Tom.

The cab was driving us away from all the noise, making it painfully quiet on the backseat. 

He looked upset to have put himself in a situation where he had to be alone with me. 

'Thank you,’ I said after a while,’ I wasn’t expecting that.' 

'You have no idea, do you?’ Tom said surprised. 

'What do you mean?' 

'You were in the papers a lot over the past months,’ Tom explained,’ since the kidnapping…they brought up the whole story about the London underground incident again.' 

'Oh no,’ I sighed. 

‘Now you’re known as the girl who brought down the monster, Loki came back to earth for you and got himself locked up again.' 

He looked at me, his eyes had a hard expression, I wanted to look away but I couldn’t.   
I hadn’t even thought about that until Tom just said it. 

I was Loki’s downfall, again. 

'In the end it’s always beauty that kills the beast, isn’t it,’ Tom said. 

I could have sworn his eyes softened for a moment when he said beauty and there was a little hint of a smile on his thin lips. It was probably me seeing what I wanted to see.

'Tom, I’m so sorry,’ I said softly. 

'Don’t, Em,’ he looked out of the window and ignored me.

'I know you don’t want to hear this but I need to say it,’ I insisted,’ I’m sorry, hurting you is the last thing I wanted, I know you must have been so worried.' 

He didn’t say anything and didn’t look at me. I realised he couldn’t wait until I was out of this cab. 

We drove in silence for a few minutes. 

'So what are the odds we are in the same hotel?’ I asked. 

'That’s my mistake,’ Tom explained,’ I asked Marcus, I thought things would be different, I thought you would want me close but…you clearly don’t.' 

His voice sounded so cold it almost broke my heart. I looked away and stared through my side of the window. 

He was wrong, I did want him close and I had to fight myself not to take his hand and put my arms around him right now. 

I needed to get out of this cab, away from him. 

'Just stop here,’ I yelled at the driver and I opened the door as soon as he got off the street and got out. 

I looked back at Tom but he still wasn’t looking my way and ordered the cab driver to move along. I was left on the sidewalk staring at the cab driving away from me. I suddenly felt more alone than I had in a long time. 

I started walking the streets of London, it was crowded and everything was too loud. After living in the cabin in silence for months this abundance of people, noises, colours, smells and just the size of the whole city was all too much for me. 

I needed to get back to my hotel room.


	18. Chapter 18

Loki was back in the same cell, hanging by the same big chains against the wall. His wrists were already bruised by his attempts to get loose. 

Marcus was watching him on the screen of the security cameras, it was his first day back and one of the guards was giving him an update. 

‘All he does is scream all day long,’ the guard said,’ he tries to attack anyone that goes in there.’   
Marcus sighed and zoomed in on Loki’s face, he looked worse than ever before. 

'And the drugs?’ Marcus asked. 

'Already four times the usual dose.’ 

Marcus nodded,’ Alright, thank you.' 

Marcus looked at the footage a little while longer and let out a deep sigh, he knew he would have to go in there. 

When he entered the room Loki’s eyes were on him immediately, they were red and filled with anger, as Marcus had expected.

'Get out!’ Loki stared at Marcus and tried to wrestle out of his chains. 

'You can’t keep attacking my people, Loki’ Marcus was determined not to be intimidated by him. 

'And you can’t keep taking her away from me,’ Loki said,’ seems like we both won’t get what we want.' 

Marcus stepped closer,’ You’re stuck here, there is no way out of this cell and you know it. It’s up to you how unpleasant you want your stay to be' 

'Oh, I’m aiming for extremely unpleasant,’ Loki’s voice sounded almost too calm,’ for everyone involved.' 

'You’re not really in a position to threaten anyone, are you?’ Marcus said with a little smile,’ there is no way you’re walking out of here a second time.’

Loki stared at him but stayed quiet, Marcus saw Loki’s eyes change from angry to desperate and sad, he looked like a broken man stuck in a cage. 

So this is what Emma saw, he could almost feel sorry for him. 

'Get out!’ Loki screamed at the top of his lungs this time,’ get out and don’t come back! No one comes in here but Emma! No one!' 

His voice filled the whole cell and even though Marcus knew Loki couldn’t physically get to him he still felt the urge to take a step back from him. 

He was walking back to his office a little later. No matter how desperate Loki’s situation was it seemed clear he wasn’t going to calm down any day soon. Something had to be done about Loki, he already had trouble finding any guards to go in there to sedate him every day, everyone was scared to come close to him. 

And the only solution was a way he was not prepared to go, he couldn’t call Emma, he couldn’t do that to her again. He opened the door to his office and jumped when he saw her sitting on his desk. 

***

He looked completely surprised and a little shocked to see me. 

'So is there anything we can do?’ I asked. 

'We? We?!’ Marcus said,’ Why do you always involve me when you know it will get me into trouble? What are you even doing here, Emma? Is this wise?' 

'No probably not,’ I admitted,’ but here I am anyway.' 

'There’s nothing I can do,’ he said cold. 

'Alright, I know you have no reason to help me, Marcus, but for some reason you always have so far. I’m not sure why but I think it’s because underneath the snobby expensive suit there’s a real human heart that cares, and actually believes in love.' 

He raised his hand at me but I could see he was fighting not to laugh. 

'If you don’t stop talking right now you’ll see me change my mind very quickly.’ 

'Okay, so you’ll help me?’ I asked with a little smile, hoping that would help convince him. 

'I didn’t say that,’ he sighed,’ but let’s just say we have the same goal, I want Loki out of here just as much as you do though for totally different reasons. He’s a hassle, and a flight risk and a liability and I want him as far away from Shield as possible.' 

I nodded, so we were on the same page. 

'But I don’t know what you want from me, Emma,’ Marcus said,’ I don’t know what I can do?' 

'Can you give me 10 minutes alone with Thor?’ I asked. 

Marcus raised his eyebrows, he had no idea where I was going with this. 

'Can you?’ I repeated. 

'I guess that can be arranged.’

'Good, do it,’ I looked him in the eyes,’ just one more thing then…' 

'This is the part I don’t want to hear, is it?’ he sighed. 

'When can I see Loki?’


	19. Chapter 19

It felt like I had stepped back in time to the beginning, right back to that moment where I first stood eye to eye with Loki. 

I entered the white cell and saw him hanging in the chains again, but he looked worse than ever before. Bruises on his wrists and face, bloodshot eyes, his shirt was ripped and I could see he had trouble standing on his legs. 

Don’t start crying, Emma. 

I was fighting my tears and got closer to him. 

‘Emma,’ he whispered,’ you’re here.' 

'I’m here,’ I whispered and I stepped up to him and put my arms around his waist.

I could feel him leaning into me and I pulled him close. 

'I’m going to get you out of here,’ I whispered into his ear. 

It wasn’t a complicated plan, it wasn’t really a plan at all but it was the best I could come up with. 

I knew there was only one other person in this whole universe that still loved Loki as much as I did, no matter what. And he happened to be a very powerful man, I was betting on him, and his love for his brother. 

***

Thor was sitting in one of the SHIELD offices when they let me in to see him. He was really big, I mean impressively big, bulky and blonde and very handsome in an obvious way, very different from Loki. 

He greeted me with a smile. 

'So you are Emma,’ he said while he shook my hand. 

'That’s me,’ I said with a little smile,’ it’s nice to finally meet you.' 

'How can I help you?' 

I looked him in the eyes and sighed,’ Loki needs help.’

'We have given him all the help he deserves,’ Thor said. 

Okay, this might not be as easy as I had hoped. 

'Hear me out,’ I pleaded,’ We both know he is not the monster Shield makes him out to be. He can be good if given the chance, I’ve seen it, it’s still there, he is not an evil man.' 

I could see that I had his attention and he was actually listening to me now. 

‘What do you suggest we do then?’

'Being locked up is killing him, he’s going to either die in there or start killing again,’ I could hear the emotion in my own voice and stopped for a moment,’ I love him, Thor, I would do anything for him to be safe and…happy.’

He nodded his head in a little smile.

‘if you have any love left for your brother will you please give him another chance and help him?’ I asked.

He didn’t answer my question and I was called away before I could ask again, but I could see it in his eyes, there was still love there. He cared for his brother, I just had to cross my fingers he cared enough.

***

I was called into Marcus his office the next day, my nerves were starting to take over as I walked the hallway.

This was it, my last attempt to get Loki out of that cell, if Thor didn’t agree I had no idea what I was going to do. I couldn’t even allow myself to think about that for now. 

'Come in, Emma,’ Marcus gave me a weak smile. 

I took a seat in front of him and looked him in the eyes, trying to read his answer before he spoke. 

'You’re a very persuasive girl,’ his smile widened,’ Thor has agreed to your terms.' 

It felt like a weight was being lifted off my shoulders and I let out a relieved sigh. 

'He has agreed to take Loki back to Asgard,’ Marcus explained,’ and he agreed to let him stay in the palace grounds, under house arrest for now but not as a prisoner.' 

I sat back in the chair and felt the tears in my eyes, tears of relief this time. 

'And SHIELD is okay with this?’ I asked. 

'SHIELD is happy to get rid of him to be honest,’ Marcus said,’ and they trust Thor. You’re a smart girl for going to him.' 

‘A desperate girl more than anything, but thanks,’ I smiled. 

'Just one more thing, Emma,’ he stood up and came closer, his voice had taken a serious tone,’ in this plan of yours, are you going with him to Asgard?' 

I stared into his eyes. 

That was a very good question.


	20. Chapter 20

Am I going with Loki to Asgard? 

It was the most important question of all and I hadn’t stopped thinking about it since Marcus had asked the question out loud, but I hadn’t thought of an answer yet. 

Of course part of me wanted to go with him, live in a palace together, in our own little happy bubble free from this world’s grim reality. And free to love him every day for the rest of my life. I had no doubt Loki could make me happy.

But another part of me knew I belonged here, on earth, with Tom.   
Being back home and seeing him again had made me realize I was still very much in love with him too. 

I walked up the stairs to my hotelroom that night and as if he had read my mind I found Tom sitting on the floor, his back leaned against my door. 

A smile appeared on his face as soon as he saw me and he stood up to greet me.

‘Hey,’ his voice sounded a little insecure and it made my heart sink.

‘Tom,’ I sighed softly. 

'I’m not really sure what I’m doing here,’ he confessed,’ or if you even want me here…’

He waited for my reaction.

'Please come in, please.' 

He nodded and I opened the door, letting us both inside the room. I took off my coat and we found a spot on the couch, it was big enough for 3 people but he still sat right beside me. 

I stared into his blue eyes, he always looked so insecure now, so different from the Tom I knew before. I realised that was my fault. 

'Did he hurt you?’ he asked. 

'No!’ my answer came out too defensive and I realized it and shook my head,’ no, he didn’t.’ 

'That was a stupid question.’

'No it wasn’t,’ I said,’ I was scared at first, I didn’t know what he wanted or if he was still the same man I knew him to be, but then I saw that he was, and my fear faded. We slowly got to know each other again, it didn’t feel like I was there against my will. I know that sounds crazy, but we just grew closer and…' 

'I don’t think I want to hear the rest,’ Tom interrupted me and avoided looking at me. 

'I’m sorry,’ I sighed,’ It’s hard to explain, I guess. I didn’t know how much time had passed, I didn’t know where I was…' 

'Did you miss me at all?’ he then asked and this time he did look into my eyes.

'I was in a different reality, it’s hard to explain, it’s like nothing else and no one else existed besides me and him. I didn’t really think about the world outside anymore.' 

He was quiet. 

'But yes,’ I whispered,’ I did miss you, Tom. Being back here made me realise just how much. And I never, ever, meant to hurt you, I’m so sorry if I did.' 

I stared back into his beautiful blue eyes and fought the urge to throw my arms round his neck and hold him close to me.

'So what happens now?’ he asked. 

'I don’t know,’ my voice was shaking, I couldn’t lie to him,’ I don’t know what to do. Me and Loki are still connected, I can’t deny that, but he’s Loki…and you are…you.’

I smiled but shook my head while I tried to find the right words. He helped me by putting his hand on mine.

‘So what do you want?’ he asked softly.

'Right now…I want you to hold me.’

'You need to choose, Em’ he said softly. 

'I know,’ I nodded my head, he was moving closer to me on the couch. His hand was traveling to my back and his other arm wrapped around my shoulders as he pulled me against his chest. 

I could feel the warmth of his body against mine and I let out a breath of relief while I hugged him back. 

'I can’t just sit around and wait for you to make up your mind,’ his voice may be protesting but his arms were holding me so close I could feel my heart starting to race. 

He felt so warm, so different from Loki. He was in every way the complete opposite of him, and yet I loved them both so much.

I could have stayed in Tom’s arms all night but he broke the hug after a few minutes to look at me. He let his fingers caress my cheek and then he kissed me, very softly, tasting my lips with his, making me melt.

I wanted to kiss him back but he pulled away. 

'You need to make your choice Em’, he said softly,’ is it going to be me or is it him?' 

'I can’t answer that right now, you can’t rush me, that’s not fair.’

'Fair? You want to talk to me about what’s fair?!’ he sounded angry and I couldn’t blame him. If anyone was being treated unfair in this whole story it was him, not me.   
I knew there was nothing else I could say to him tonight and suddenly being in his arms no longer felt comforting but painful and gut wrenching. 

I pulled back from him and stood up from the couch.

'You should leave,’ I said. 

'So you’re choosing him?’

'That’s not what I meant!’ I bit my lip in frustration and turned to look at him,’ Please just…just leave, Tom. I need time.' 

He gave me one last look before he stood from the couch and started walking away. I had never seen eyes filled with that much love and that much hate at the same time. 

He disappeared into the hallway, leaving me alone to make my impossible choice.


	21. Chapter 21

Tom walked down the halls of SHIELD, he had hoped to never come here again now that Emma was back and things could go back to normal. But they were far from normal, and when Marcus told him about Emma’s plan he had no choice. He had to do what he feared most, he had to face Loki. 

Marcus was just about to leave his office when Tom stopped him. 

‘What are you doing here?’

'Marcus, you can’t tell me something like that and expect me to do nothing,’ Tom said. 

'I expected you to confront Emma,’ Marcus sighed,’ there is nothing I can do for you here.' 

'That’s fine, I’m not here to see you.’

Marcus looked at him and shook his head in a surprised smile.

'Well, shit, I practically have to force my people to go into that cell with Loki but everybody who doesn’t need to be there just wants right in! What are you planning on doing to him?' 

'I’m not an idiot, there is nothing I can do, but I can be honest with him,’ Tom explained,’ if he really is the man Emma believes him to be that should be the best way.' 

Marcus just looked at him and shook his head. 'I’m not sure I can authorize this.’

'Don’t give me that,’ Tom sighed,’ this is your department, you can authorize anything you want.' 

About an hour later Tom stepped into the prison cell where Loki was hanging in chains. 

He stepped closer very carefully until he could see his face clearly. It gave him chills to see how much Loki looked like him. It was like looking into a mirror, but one of those distorted mirrors you saw on the carnival. 

He could see himself but all the little details were just a little off. He couldn’t even imagine how hard this must have been on Emma. 

Loki stared right into his eyes. 

'You must be Tom,’ he said with his evil grin. 

'Loki,’ Tom said softly. 

'Are you here to hit me?’ Loki asked,’ Give me a piece of your mind? Scream at me for stealing your girl away from you? Go ahead, I won’t resist.' 

Tom could see he was trying to provoke him. 

'No,’ he tried to keep his calm,’ I’m here to ask you to listen to me… to help me.’

Loki smiled, it wasn’t a real smile but a smile filled with anger and frustration.

'You must be really desperate to come to me for help,’ he said. 

'I am,’ Tom admitted,’ I am desperate.' 

He stepped closer and he was now standing right in front of Loki. 

'We both are,’ he continued,’ desperate for her… aren’t we?' 

He stared back at Loki and watched as the anger left his eyes. 

'She’s not yours,’ Loki said softly,’ I’m the one that loves her.' 

'I don’t doubt that you do, but so do I, Loki, and I know she loves me, I can make her happy.' 

'And I can’t?’ he yelled in anger. 

'What happens if you take her back to Asgard?’ Tom asked,’ what happens when she gets old and you have barely aged? Will you still love her then? Will she still be able to love you? Or when that hunger for another kill comes back? Because you know that it will. You think she can take all that? Do you want her to? Do you really believe she’ll be happy with you…or do you know she’d be better off here, with me?' 

Loki was quiet and Tom knew his words had hit a nerve, he knew he had to push through now. 

'I don’t doubt for a second that you love her, Loki, I know that you do,’ he continued,’ but don’t doubt that I love her just as much if not more, my question is do you love her enough to do what’s best for her?' 

He stayed quiet, all the anger, all the will to fight was gone. Emma really was his biggest weakness. 

***

(Emma)

I walked out of the black SHIELD van with two agents walking behind me. In front of me was an open field and more agents, Marcus and Thor.

But all I had eyes for was him, Loki. 

Thor was ready to take him back to Asgard. 

I knew this was the moment, the moment I had to decide and I still hadn’t made my mind up as I walked up to him. 

He wasn’t in chains this time and he looked better. I rushed towards him and put my arms around his waist, a sigh of relief escaping my lips when he pulled me close.

'You did this?’ he asked. 

'I told you I would get you out,’ I said in a whisper and he gave me a little smile, leaning his forehead against mine. 

'Thank you,’ he kissed me, softly at first but as I pulled him closer his kiss became more intense. I could feel his desire and I was starting to forget about everything around us again, all I wanted was to feel him, be with him and love him. 

I know I wasn’t thinking but I made my decision right there. 

‘So when are we leaving?’ I asked. 

His hands left my waist and took my hands into his and I watched his expression change. 

'You’re not coming with me, Emma,’ he said. 

I stared into his eyes, the loving look from before had made room for a cold and distant one, he was putting up his wall. 

'No,’ I could feel the anger rising in my voice,’ No! You do not get to decide that for me!' 

I hit him on the chest but when he grabbed my hands and held me all my anger left. I just leaned against him, desperate for his touch and support.

'That is my choice, Loki,’ my voice was drowning in tears. 

'But you can’t make it can you?’ he said and as I looked at him I realized he was right. 

I would be going back and forth between him and Tom forever. I shook my head, trying to ignore what he was saying and fighting it but it was pointless.

I couldn’t choose and if I did I would forever question my choice. I knew why I kept putting it off, as long as I didn’t choose I wouldn’t have to lose either of them, but that wasn’t fair to anyone. 

I looked up into his pale face and his green eyes and noticed I wasn’t the only one who was crying. 

In that moment we both realized this was goodbye.


	22. Chapter 22

Loki pulled me close and for several minutes we just stared into each other’s eyes, both on the verge of crying. 

‘I love you,’ I whispered,’ even if this is it for us, it won’t change anything, I will still go on loving you, I need you to know that.' 

He took my face between his hands and nodded his head before he kissed me and spoke softly,’ I will love you forever.’

I wanted to disappear into his kiss. I clung to him and the tears were flowing freely now. 

'I can’t do this,’ I cried,’ I can’t say goodbye to you again, I can’t…' 

'Yes, you can,’ Loki insisted and he leaned his forehead against mine,’ you can do this, Emma, you’re strong, you’ll be fine, I promise you.' 

He held me tight and I wanted to breathe in every part of him, remember the touch of his cold hands, how his lean body felt against mine and how his cold lips put fire to mine. 

We stood there for quite some time, not willing to let go and putting off the inevitable. 

'How about you? Will you be fine?’ I asked eventually. 

He nodded his head. 

'I’ve lived a lot of years before you, Emma,’ he said,’ and I will live a lot of years after, in freedom thanks to you, I will be fine. We both will.' 

Marcus came close and put a hand on Loki’s shoulder,’ It’s time.’

Loki let go of my hands but we kept our eyes locked. 

'Will I ever see you again?’ I asked. 

'I think it’s better if we don’t, not any time soon anyway,’ he gave me a little weak smile.

I leaned in to kiss him one last time before turning around and walking away.   
The sight of him walking away from me was too much to bear so I didn’t look back once. 

***

Marcus could see the tears on Loki’s face, he didn’t hold them back anymore now that Emma was no longer watching. 

'You’re a better man than I thought,’ Marcus said. 

Loki wiped the tears away and looked Marcus dead in the eyes. Marcus was surprised to see how quickly his eyes changed and how cold he stared at him. 

'Just remember,’ Loki said,’ if he does anything to hurt her, I’m coming back down here to rip his head off his body.' 

'You can rest assured that’s not going to happen, he will take good care of her.' 

Loki nodded his head and walked up to his brother, who would take him back to Asgard. 

Marcus let out a sigh of relief, it was finally over. 

***

I’m not going to lie, it was bad, it was worse than it was before. 

I cried for weeks again, I didn’t want to see anyone and didn’t leave the hotel room. Marcus was nice enough to keep paying for my hotel room as long as I needed it. 

I hadn’t heard Tom since I had sent him away last time, I wanted him to comfort me but I knew that wouldn’t be fair so I didn’t reach out for him. 

He was probably still in the same hotel but we never ran into each other. I only came out every few days to get food, other than that I buried myself in my grief and anger the rest of the time. 

My heart was broken and it hurt so much, even physically. The only thing that kept me alive was knowing Loki was safe, and free, and home. 

I had to start making a home for myself again too, after 5 weeks of desperation I stepped outside and into a cab and I went back to the last home that I knew. The bookstore and my apartment. 

Beth left it to me in her will but then Loki took me away, I hadn’t been here since. 

I turned on the light, everything looked exactly like I left it, I felt my heart hurt when I saw the shelves between which Loki appeared, the couches where me and Beth had shared so many stories and quiet afternoons, and the counter where I met Tom for the very first time. 

I tried to block those memories and not think about everything I had lost. I took a seat on the couch and closed my eyes, the smell of the books took over my senses. 

It was time, I needed a new start, I needed to finally start living in the present and the future and not dwell in the past. I would stay lost forever in my memories if I did. 

I walked up the stairs to my apartment and opened the door, sat down on my bed and took a deep sigh. I couldn’t stop the tears from falling again but I had made my mind up, I would open the shop again and hire someone to help me do it. 

I was going to pick up my life again, one small step at a time.


	23. Chapter 23

Tom closed the door of his hotelroom behind him and let out a deep sigh while he leaned against the door.   
He had seen Emma a couple of times these past weeks but he always made sure she didn’t see him. 

After she had sent him away last time he made up his mind to give her space. If she still wanted him she would have to come to him.   
It had to be her choice this time, and if she didn’t make it then…well, maybe it just wasn’t meant to be then. He knew love wasn’t something you could force if it wasn’t there.

Marcus had informed him that Loki was gone. Tom was relieved but in a strange way he also felt sad for Emma. It was obvious to everyone she was struggling with the loss and it cost him all the strength he had to stay away from her.

Part of him just wanted to comfort her, wrap her up in his arms and let her cry as much as she needed to.

He knew offering her a shoulder to cry on would bring the both of them closer together again, but he didn’t want it to happen that way.

He didn’t want to be her second choice, he wanted her to want him, and only him. 

So he ignored his feelings and stayed away from her altogether, giving her the time she needed to get over this.  
He comforted himself with the thought that this was just temporary, and that when the time came that she was ready to move on, he would be right there. 

***

One month later…

Filming for Thor had finally finished and Tom was packing his suitcases and getting ready to leave for the airport.  
He would be spending the next months in America doing some promotion and a few auditions, trying to make a name for himself overseas now that his career seemed to have lifted off. 

But he was leaving London with a heavy heart. He hadn’t seen or heard from Emma at all.

While his cab was driving him through the streets of London he was starting to doubt his decision.  
What if Emma would never make the first move? Or what if she thought he was no longer interested? Was he making a huge mistake? 

‘Stop!’ he suddenly yelled at the cab driver who almost hit the car in front of them thanks to Tom’s scream. 

'Sir!’ he protested,’ I can’t stop in the middle of the road.' 

'I’m sorry, could you make a left turn here, please?’ Tom asked him,’ I’ve changed my mind, I don’t want to go to the airport anymore.' 

***

By the time the cab stopped just outside of the small bookstore it was starting to grow dark outside. Tom could see the lights were on inside and there were a few people strolling through the shelves, customers he assumed. 

He told the cab driver to wait while he stepped a little closer to the store to take a better look through the window. The shop still looked exactly the same, he was happy to see business was going well.

He tried to find Emma between the other customers when he saw her stepping out from between the bookshelves. Her hair was longer than he remembered and loosely hanging over her shoulders. He saw her smile at one of the customers and her smile took his breath away. 

He stepped closer to the window and he could have sworn she was looking right at him. Her eyes stared into his and the look on her face was suddenly so distant and sad. She wasn’t looking at him but straight through him, lost in thought.

She’s not ready…

Tom took a step aside and looked at her one last time when he saw a man come up to her. He was handsome, tall, short black hair and a warm smile. 

Tom watched them talk for a minute and then the man took Emma’s hand and pulled her closer to him.  
She put her arms around his neck and he could see the man was stroking her hair and whispering something into her ear, which made her smile.

Tom couldn’t stomach to see any more so he turned around.

He had been a complete idiot, he had waited too long, he had missed his chance. Or maybe it was never meant to be after all.

He stepped back into the cab. 

'Are we ready for the airport now?’ the driver asked. 

'Yes, I’m ready now,’ he leaned back and stared out of the window while the car started.

It had started to rain, it seemed only appropriate. He was driving away from London and away from Emma, from this past year that had somehow been the best of his life but also the worst.

He wouldn’t change it for anything even if it meant not feeling all the pain he felt right now. 

***

Emma

I stared out of the window of the book store and shook my head in a smile. 

My mind was playing tricks on me again, it happened a lot in the past month. I would see a guy with long dark hair and I would see Loki’s face even if he didn’t even look like him. A tall slim guy in a suit changed into Tom every time. 

Just now I could have sworn I saw him through the window staring at me with his adorable face. 

'Emma, are you alright?’ Kevin walked up to me and had a worried look on his face. 

Kevin was the newest employee of the store, he was the only one who applied for the job so I had to hire him even though he had zero experience. 

I hadn’t regretted that decision for a second, he turned out to be a real quick learner and a really funny and lovable guy. 

'I’m fine,’ I sighed,’ I’m just tired.' 

Kevin took my hand and stood closer. 

'You sure that’s all?’ he asked. 

I nodded my head but he pulled me closer in a tight hug and I closed my eyes as I hugged him back. 

'Go on upstairs, I’ll close up,’ he whispered into my ear. 

'I can’t do that to you,’ I protested,’ you have a date with Steven, you’ve been talking about this all week.' 

'If he really wants me he will wait until I’m ready,’ Kevin gave me a little smile. 

'Trust me sometimes timing is everything,’ I said as I pushed him towards the door of the shop,’ I’ll be fine, go out and have fun!' 

'You’re the best, Emma,’ he smiled and gave me a quick kiss on the cheek, took his coat and disappeared into the streets of London. 

I helped out the last customers and closed the shop an hour later. I put up the Closed sign and looked outside, it was dark and crowded with people rushing home after a long work day.   
Usually I looked forward to retreating to my apartment too but tonight for some reason I felt restless. 

I kept hearing Kevin’s words in my head: ’if he really wants me he will wait until I’m ready' 

Is that why Tom stayed away from me? To give me time? To wait until I was ready? Was it my fault we lost contact? 

Is he waiting for me?

I grabbed my coat and stepped outside.

All of a sudden the thought of losing him was too much to bear.

I started running and looking for a cab, which seemed impossible on a busy Friday night. I gave up on that plan and headed for the Underground. 

Within 20 minutes I was standing in front of the hotel, my heart was racing, both from the emotions and all the running. I walked up to the front desk and saw one of the receptionists smile at me. 

'Good evening, Emma,’ she said,’ what can we help you with?' 

'Hi,’ I sighed,’ I’m looking for Tom, can you tell me if he’s here?' 

'Oh I’m sorry, you didn’t know?,’ she looked surprised,’ he checked out earlier tonight, he’s probably on his way to America by now.' 

America… 

'I’m sorry,’ she gave me a sympathetic look,’ I can give a message to his agent if you like.' 

'No I…thank you,’ I just walked away from the desk. The realisation that I lost him and probably had for some time just hit me in that moment.

My mind was blank, I couldn’t think or feel anything, my heart was numb and still I felt the tears in the back of my eyes as I walked back outside. 

I was right, timing was everything, and I screwed it up. Big time. 

I let the tears flow, tears of sadness but also of anger, at myself, he was gone and it was all my fault.


	24. Chapter 24

5 months later

I hadn’t expected to see a crowd this big, there were hundreds of people, pushed together behind the barricades. Most of them were screaming or taking photos of whoever stepped onto the red carpet. 

I was standing in the middle of Leicester Square in the heart of London, outside of the movie theatre that would show the premiere of Thor. 

There were big posters everywhere that showed Chris with his red cape and hammer. My heart was racing, not for Chris or the reporters and fans, but because this would be the first time in over 7 months that I would see Tom again. 

I got the invitation in the mail last week, everybody that had anything to do with making the movie was invited tonight. Kevin turned into the biggest fangirl when he saw the invitation and made me his latest fashion project. I was wearing a long white strapless dress and my hair was tied in a long side braid. I had never felt so Hollywood in my whole life. 

But walking that red carpet still felt very uncomfortable to me, especially since I had no one to accompany me.   
The flashes of the cameras were blinding, I would never get used to that. They were shouting my name again, I just smiled and waved politely, making my way inside the building, happy to have lost the crowd.   
I walked towards the movie theatre when I saw him.

He was already staring at me when I noticed him. He was wearing a black suit, his hair was shorter but he had the same stubble on his face as when I first met him, and he was alone.   
His eyes didn’t let me go as I walked up to him. 

‘Hello, Tom,’ I tried to smile but my emotions were all over the place. 

'Hey’, he gave me a little smile, I could tell he was surprised, and nervous,’ I wasn’t sure you’d be here…you look…amazing.’

'So do you,’ I said softly and I could have sworn he was blushing. 

'Are you alone?’ he asked carefully. 

'Of course, you?’ 

He nodded. 

'I was hoping you would be here tonight,’ he said, his voice a little softer.

The warm look in his eyes made my heart jump, the past months seemed to disappear in an instant. I had often wondered what seeing him again would do to me, and whether I would fall for him again. But I didn’t have to fall for him again, I never stopped. 

'Are you up for this?’ he asked. 

'Huh?’ 

'The movie,’ he smiled. 

'Oh, I’m not sure,’ I admitted,’ I hope I am.’ 

'Will you let me sit with you?’ he asked. 

Now I was the one who was blushing. 

'Yes, I would love it if you did,’ I smiled and we walked into the theatre together. 

I handled the movie better than I thought I would. I was very nervous for the first Loki scene but Tom took my hand as soon as it started. It helped me to only see Tom on the big screen and not Loki. 

He held my hand throughout the entire movie, when it ended I didn’t want to get up and lose his touch but he let go as he got up from his seat.   
I was still sitting down, not willing to let the moment be over, when he offered me his hand again. 

'Come on,’ he said with a smile. 

We walked out of the theatre and back outside onto the red carpet, we hadn’t said a word until he stopped me and looked into my eyes. His face looked serious and a little sad all of a sudden. 

'What’s wrong?’ I asked. 

'I went to your store, the night I left for America,’ he sighed. 

I looked at him in shock,’ It was you, I thought I saw you that night but I thought my mind was playing tricks on me.’ 

We just stared at each other for a while before I broke the silence,’ I went to your hotel that night, you were already gone' 

'I…I saw you with that cute guy in the store,’ Tom explained,’ I thought…' 

'That’s Kevin,’ I couldn’t help but smile,’ he’s my friend, Kevin is very wonderful and very gay, he’ll be happy to hear you called him cute.' 

Tom covered his face and laughed while he shook his head,’ Oh my god, I’m such an idiot!’

'Yeah, you are,’ I smiled,’ but I love you anyway.’ 

'What?' he looked stunned.

What?! Fuck, did I say that out loud? 

'What did you say?’ he asked again. 

'I didn’t mean…' 

He took both my hands and pulled me close to him, looking deep into my eyes. 

'Did you mean it or not?’ he asked softly. 

There was no denying it, I felt it for so long now, ever since I came back from the safe house and saw him again. 

No, probably even before that, it was always him. I just needed time to see it. 

'Yes,’ I said in a shaky voice,’ I meant it, it’s you, I want you, I love you.' 

'Good,’ he whispered,’ because I really love you too, Em.' 

He put his arms around my waist and pulled me close. 

'I love you,’ he whispered into my ear, making me smile even more. 

'Should we do this here?’ I asked softly when I noticed we were surrounded by cameras and I had already seen a few flashes go off in our direction. 

'You’re right,’ he released me from his tight hug, his eyes and hands were still on me. 

'I’ve waited so long for you, I can wait a little longer,’ I said with a smile as I stepped back. 

But just as I wanted to turn around he pulled me back into his arms. 

'You know what, I can’t, I can’t wait any longer,’ he whispered and he leaned in and kissed me.

I forgot about the cameras as soon as I felt his lips on mine, all I could do was kiss him back and melt into his arms.

When we came up for air there was a sea of camera flashes all around us, capturing this moment forever. 

'What did you do?’ I whispered into his ear but I couldn’t keep the smile off my face while I kept hugging him.

‘Giving them something new to write about,’ he leaned his forehead against mine and kissed me again.


End file.
